Observation, Inspiration & Confirmation... Independent Thought

One challenge my husband and his colleagues face in the business world is the new generations and their lack of independent thinking.  They know how to click and check boxes, but there seems to be a lack of effort to understand and problem solve.  Looking around I think that this can be said about much of society.  Every community you drive though has the same stores, the same restaurants.  (We like to use our Yelp app to find small, local eateries.)  Stepping off the beaten path definitely has its reward… especially when the beaten path society is on is, for the most part, heading to a destination to which I do not aspire.

Recently I wrote about how participating in family traditions makes us unique.  What about traditions which involve “not participating?”   Traditions evolve, and lately I have been considering the evolution of Not Doing.  I thought of a few things that we traditionally do not do – and I see that these evolved through the process of observing (ourselves and other), praying for inspiration and later receiving confirmation – that is, knowing that this was the path on which we preferred to be found.  These traditions may continue to change and evolve, but the underlying principle is that of making conscious choices about our life’s activities.

Some things we do not do:

Playing together.

We do not play soccer.  I am not a soccer mom.  Nothing against soccer, this is more about families being completely overscheduled.  A couple months ago I heard a young mom say that it was time for the next child to begin soccer, as though it was time for kindergarten.  I felt sad knowing that she would now have so many children in so many activities that it would spread the family thin.  The idea seemed to be that every other kid in the neighborhood was signing up – but I bet most of those young children would rather be climbing a tree or digging in the dirt or drawing with sidewalk chalk – or even better going to the park with their siblings and parents.  Organized sports for young children --- I just don’t get it.  The evolution of our non-soccer tradition began simply and for two reasons… we couldn’t afford the fees involved and my husband was always out of town so that I had the care of all of those young children.  We did play little league baseball for several years with the older boys.  That was fun, hectic, and I realized that home life was greatly improved when we were involved in activities together.   A few years later Nathan was playing basketball and we were all (five younger siblings) there watching.  Another mom mentioned how each of her several children had a game at the same time and were spread about at different schools.   I felt strongly that this is not how I wanted to spend my weekends – particularly during soccer season when it is cold and rainy.  I liked hearing of families that allowed only one sport per year.  We have encouraged basketball for those who are interested – it is a fun sport to watch, they will actually play it when they are out of school, and it is indoors.  We have also encouraged activities that they can do with siblings such as dance classes (girls) or piano/music lessons.  Mostly, we have tried to think of positive activities that our family can do together – usually hiking.  Hiking isn’t always popular, but we our outdoors, we are together, and we know that they are making great memories.  Cross country, tennis and middle-school running are all winding down this week.  My kids are in high school/8^th grade and these sports have been great experiences!  Good teamwork, developing physically and socially, we love going to watch them participate – this seems like an important part of their life at this stage!  However, I am sooo very excited to have more time at home together as we get into the holidays and before spring activities begin.  I have zero regrets at how we have chosen to spend our children’s precious childhood years.

Notes from Jackie

We do not play video games (at home).  I should say we do not own video games.  A few observations here – when the boys were young I had several moms tell me that they wished they had never purchased their child’s playstation (or whatever they were using then).  “Why don’t you get rid of it?” I would wonder.  They didn’t like how it took their child’s time and attention, how they never went outside to play anymore.  I also observed how children would be glued to their Gameboys.  I wondered how they were going to learn about the world around them when all they did was stare at that little screen.  When did they learn to interact… oh yeah – when they were playing soccer…  So, much to the disappointment of our children, we decided to Just Say No to videogames.  Only a couple of the children have really cared – and it has been confirmed to me that these are exactly the children who needed them absent in their lives.  We do own a Wii – with the stipulation that the games had to involve physical activity.  Sometimes the Wii “disappears” for months at a time – and we don’t miss it.  As the children have gotten older they are more likely to thank me than to ever see that their childhood was somehow lacking.  The confirmation I have felt regarding this decision is ongoing and I have no regrets!

We do not drink caffeine.  This one started in my childhood.  After making deliveries at the local grocery stores, the Pepsi truck would then drive to my grandpa’s ranch to load up his shed with cases of soda.  I guess they really liked Pepsi.   Upon marrying my father (51 years ago today), my mother also grew accustomed to drinking the stuff – and the story goes that she could hardly wait at night for my dad to come home at night because he would bring her a Pepsi from work.  When she realized just how much she cared, she began to realize that she was becoming addicted and began to work on weaning herself.  I remember as a child we would have Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, but never after the age of 9 or 10.  For myself, I think that the taste is disgusting anyway.  In college I took some physiology classes that showed how caffeine intensifies and then takes the place of our own neurotransmitters – thus is highly addictive like nicotine.  Mark once ordered a Pepsi while we were dating – and, though I know I didn’t say anything, I somehow conveyed my disapproval (apparently I have a certain “look”).   Thus it goes – we don’t have caffeinated drinks in our family.  Over the years I also observed how a few of my children couldn’t handle the sugar when they drank any sort of soda – so we cut those way down and what do you know? – no regrets. 

We love the outdoors!

We do not watch TV.  What a shock Mark gave the internet provider in Texas when he was getting us all set up and we turned down the “amazing” offer of Direct TV for only an extra $10/month.  This tradition has definitely evolved over time.  We didn’t have a TV for the first couple years after we married but then someone gave us a small portable TV… this was at a time when I was completely out of commission with morning sickness and Mark was going through a long recovery after having a bone tumor removed.  We were careful about what we watched, mostly PBS shows for the kids… but eventually we made two important observations.  TV wastes too much time – this is super obvious.  The other was that the messages about family – the children are sassy, the fathers are made to look less-than-capable and the general attitude is far from ideal.  We have never had more than a couple channels… and for almost 14 years we have had no channels.  I have had friends adopt this same approach to TV – their families miss TV for a couple weeks and then can’t believe they ever had it as part of their lives.  On the other hand we have a home theatre and love to invite friends to watch movies.  Confirmation for this tradition comes each time we watch TV in a hotel – besides the very lame lineup of shows available… what about those commercials?  Ugh!  One more observation about TV – I hung onto it for awhile to watch the news… until I observed ….well, I am getting too opinionated, but let’s just say I have many other options for getting news if I want to learn what is going on.

I have a few other not-doing traditions, but this is getting too long. 

Just like I don’t think that everyone needs to take old-fashioned photos every couple of years to be successful, there are happy families who watch TV and play soccer – Yet, as everyone seems to want to live the same type of life, doing all the same things...  

 I would just encourage all families to think for themselves, look into the future and choose activities which will strengthen their most important relationships, within the walls of their own home!

A Strong Woman is Not a Man

I love Lucy, not so keen on Ricky...

I Love Lucy - one of our family's favorite TV programs.  We like the simplicity and even the predictability of the humor... but oh... don't get me started on the husband-wife relationship between Lucy and Ricky.  She needs his permission for every little thing, is given "an allowance" and gets in trouble like a child.  Other television programs of this era have the same dynamics.  I can hardly stand to see women treated as anything less than an equal partner.
However, I also do not like to see what goes on in media today - now it seems that men are degraded.  The father is always the laughingstock and it goes even further than that... children seem to know everything while adults appear foolish or out of touch.  Actually, these things invited me to quit watching television many years ago, so I cannot imagine how stupid it has become.
But I digress... that is a good blog post for later.
For now, when I watch these old television programs I just give a cheer that I was born a generation or two later because .... well, it just isn't in my nature to reach adulthood, just to become a child again at marriage.
Today I was thinking of a time when a young lady told my son that she was so glad that his mother (me) had instilled some feminist ideals into him.  When he told me I was quick to respond that I do not consider myself to be feminist - the word doesn't fit.  I do, however, try to be a strong woman.  I want my children to know that being a strong woman DOES NOT mean being a man.
A woman has beautiful qualities and innate skills that make her a vital and contributing member of society and home.  So do men.  I believe that these qualities are different and work together - but I just wrote about that... back to women.
Well, I am sitting here with writer's block because this is a huge subject and there is just too much to say!
If I am critical of the attitude toward women in I Love Lucy - you can bet that I cannot even think of the treatment of women throughout most of history!  An example would be the double standard in regard to sexual morality.  Women used to hold the moral high ground, and also lose all respectability if she lowered her standards, while men had much more "sexual freedom."  As the women's movement came along and demanded that all things become equal - why did they not demand that men rise to their standard, rather than lowering themselves?   I have a quote from D. Todd Christofferson on this subject.  "Where once women's higher standards demanded commitment and responsibility from men, we now have sexual relations without conscience, fatherless families and growing poverty.  Equal-opportunity promiscuity simply robs women of their moral influence and degrades all of society.  In this hollow bargain, it is men who are "liberated" and women and children who suffer most."

I had to look him up - he was a 19th century British Liberal
politician.  I think a strong and virtuous man is a great
embellishment for a woman as well.

When I say that a strong woman does not mean that she is a man, I mean where are her feminine qualities?  Masculinity and femininity are different and I think that this is a fact that should be recognized and celebrated.  I love this statement by Margaret D. Nadauld (she used to be the world wide president of our church young women's organization):
      The world has enough women who are tough, we need women who are tender.  There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude, we need women who are refined.  We have enough women of fame and fortune, we need more women of faith.  We have enough greed; we need more goodness.  We have enough vanity; we need more virtue.  We have enough popularity; we need more purity.

To be tender, kind, refined, faithful, good, virtuous and pure... these are very STRONG characteristics.  These are characteristics which bring success in society, the workplace and the home. If anyone can think of a woman they know who possesses even any two of these values - such as a refined woman who is a kind woman... I am sure that you would say she is a strong woman.  I add that we need women who think for themselves - not allow the media and society to think for them.  We need women who respect themselves and teach their daughters to do the same.  We need women who do not try to be independent of men, independent of family; but rather to be interdependent - working together to make the home and the world a better place.
I am also glad to belong to a church which encourages women to develop all of their talents and skills; to get every bit of education that she can, to look for opportunities to grow in all of their endeavors, to expect to be treated as an equal in marriage, at work, and in all relationships.  At church we are given leadership and teaching positions - these often stretch us to develop skills we did not know that we had.  We are encouraged to serve our friends, neighbors and family.  Service brings joy - to the receiver and the giver.
Another movie/play that we like is Mary Poppins.  The mother, Mrs. Banks, is a suffragette.  She sings a song which includes these words, "Our daughters' daughters will adore us, and they'll sing in grateful chorus, Well Done...Well Done...Well Done Sister Suffragettes!!!"

Mrs. Banks singing about women's rights - You go girl!!

When I hear that I sometimes feel that I do not give enough "adoration" to those wonderful women who came before me and fought so hard to be treated with equality.  Yet, I do adore them - I cannot imagine a world where women could not vote.  A world where a women could not only not own her own property, but was treated like property!  No thank you!!!  However, I also do not want to be in a world where women think that they have to act like men.  I certainly do not want a man who acts like a woman.
The song mentions Sister Suffragettes - Sisters!  Women united to be strong women who can then work together with men.  Men who understand who they are as well.  Strong women working with strong men - united to strengthen society - the workplace, the home, the family and the world!

He Said, She Said

I can remember when "the honeymoon ended" and we had our first marital misunderstanding.  We were both full time students and lived in a little basement apartment about a block from campus.  This was the type of apartment that only a newlywed couple could love - particularly the bathroom where sitting on the toilet meant you were half in the shower and the other half under the sink.  We didn't really notice, because we were in love and so happy to be together.
On this particular day, however, I recall walking up the steps and down the sidewalk with my feelings very hurt.  I remember that I was wearing my favorite chambray skirt, but I cannot remember what our misunderstanding entailed.  I only know that I could not believe that he had been so unfeeling.  Looking back, I would almost guess that he hadn't even known I was upset.  We weren't very good at understanding the opposite sex.  We have gotten better but I think that it takes quite awhile... like an entire lifetime of trying... to think that we understand.  Perhaps the more we try, the more we know that we don't understand...

It was about this same time that I was taking my nursing classes and we studied organizational behavior.  We all took the Meyers-Briggs personality tests, and this was quite an eye-opener for me.  How interesting that other people saw/approached the world in such odd ways, unlike my own!  I thought that it was a great exercise in respecting the differences that we have between people.  Mark also took the test, and we turned out to be similar in ways that we still appreciate about one another.
We had been married over ten years - probably closer to 15 years... when Mark's friend told him to read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.  We both read it and wow!  What a game changer!  At the time I had no idea that men and women functioned on such different levels and I would have probably not have believed it, if Mark had not read it, confirmed it, and been surprised at the true statements about women which I was able to confirm.  Bless that author, our lives have been blessed by his book.
The really great thing about the differences between men and women is that we complement one another.  (Complement with an "e" - thought compliments are awesome as well.)  The strengths/weaknesses of the male are offset and balanced by those of the female.  David A. Bednar says, "The nature of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other."

I just add this because I am typing this while we are
out of town together - house hunting in Dallas.
....And this is how we pack.

Anyone who believes that the Bible is the word of God will know that God created Adam and Eve.  Two individuals, male and female.  He intends for them to be different, and those differences bring the balance to create a "whole" and to be "as one" - thus providing a foundation on which to build a family.  Back to David A Bednar, "Just as the unique characteristics of both males and females contribute to the completeness of of a marriage relationship, so those same characteristics are vital to the rearing, nurturing, and teaching of children."
Though not everyone is able to live this ideal, who can argue but that this is the ideal?  I can see in our home that life is always more fun and lively when Dad is around.  I am definitely the one to provide the nurturing.  We communicate with the children on different levels - they come to us with different needs.  Together we provide that balance which provides a sense of security and love.
I have three sons and three daughters.  Anyone who wonders if boys and girls are different should talk to a parent who has raised them all.  Each one is an individual - but there are distinct gender differences which appear at a very young age.  I love these differences - and I celebrate them as part of our Father in Heaven's plan for his children.
I am glad that I am a woman - and I am really glad that I get to share my life with a man. My life, indeed, is more complete because he brings traits to my life that I need, and I am able to share myself with him.  Together we grow and become strong as we become one.

Dislike the Dent, Love the Driver

CRASH!  That horrible sound of impact as the back of our van met the front of our trailer hitch.  Our family was in the car as we were hurrying to the children's piano recital.  I groaned.  Mark jumped out to survey the damage (luckily he was the driver).  He got back in, reported the damage, and we were on our way.  "Hey!" said the voice of our young driver in the backseat, "Is that all the reaction he gets?  Dad just wrecked the car... all that I did was pull out in front of another car and everyone started yelling!?"
Well... yes.... pulling out in front an oncoming car was a very frightening experience for all of us - worth a little yelling.   But why would I yell at Mark for a large dent in the van?  What good would that do?  What harm would it do is the better question.  The trailer was not in its usual spot.  He certainly didn't do it on purpose.  Our feelings on the matter were the same.  He would not have yelled at me if I had been the driver.  It is not the way we work... thankfully.
When we were engaged, Mark and I were asked to speak in church on the topic of successful marriage.  We thought it a bit unusual since neither of us had been married - but we did our research and presented our talks.  Several members of the congregation told us afterward that we would, indeed, be successful if we would follow what we had learned.  All that I could ever remember from that day is that I mentioned that selfishness has no part in a marriage.
Haha - at that stage of life I couldn't have even guessed what that meant - but the words have stayed with me and I have to catch myself over and over as I try to implement them.  At this stage of life I can certainly testify that they are true.

This semester I have only one class - and in it I am studying Marriage and Family.  As a semester project I am required to blog for 6-8 hours on the subject of Marriage and Family.  At first I was excited, but there is that strange phenomena wherein something that is pleasurable becomes more of a chore once it becomes an assignment...  It's a shame because these are some of my favorite subjects!!  Now I have only three weeks of class left so I had better get busy...  Today I am thinking of some events that occurred early in our relationship that have helped us to be successful and establish a loving home.

Engaged!

Mark was the third child in his family to marry.  He observed the first two marriages with interest.  They have also been successful, but in the beginning he noticed the normal adjustments to marriage and the small arguments that would arise.  He decided that he would not let little things bother him.  He married with with all of my many imperfections, and he was not bothered.  That set a great precedent for the two of us.
I think that there is a lot of bad advice parading around as good advice when it comes to all aspects of family.  I heard a story as a newlywed that had an impact on me.  In this story the couple had been told that they should write down and discuss the top 5 or 10 things that bugged them most about the other person. [At this point in the story I began to wonder what top 5 things I would write down???]  The wife made her list and it included items such as being bothered by the way the husband ate grapefruit.  She presented her list and then asked for his.  His list was blank.  He said that he loved her completely - all of her.  [Now I am really listening - forget the top top 5 things.]  My decision at that moment was to take any little thing that might be bothering me and instead think, "Well, that is part of who Mark is.  I love him completely and now I love that little thing about him also."

So young!  So positive about our future!

Mark and I both have very strong personalities.  We both like to be right.  I can recall exactly where we were at the moment we made another excellent decision (we were exiting Hwy 101 on the Madonna Road offramp)... I don't recall the conversation, but one of us had just proven ourselves "right."  We were engaged at the time, and decided right there that "I told you so" would not have a place in our relationship.  That's been a tough one, but we are a better couple for having made this choice.
Optimism - I think that one of the greatest strengths in our relationship has been that we expect it to be successful!  We expect to be happy together.  We expect it and we work at it.  Here are a few quotes on this subject:

• Belief and doubt are living attitudes, and involve conduct on our part. ... You make one of two possible universes true by your trust or mistrust.  [Thus] optimism and pessimism are definitions of the world, [and often we create the kind of world we live in because] our faith beforehand in an uncertified results is the only thing that makes the result come true. (William James, Essays on Faith and Morals)
• Marriage... is no more satisfying than we are willing - striving - to make it.  Whether we "strive" to make the marriage work may be the most important ingredient in whether it does work. (Bruce Hafen, How We Lost the Plot)
• Happiness does not come by pressing a button... it must be earned... This is within the reach of every couple, ever person... if both are willing to pay the price. (Spencer Kimball, Marriage and Divorce)

Los Angeles - 3 August 1989

We were married about a week when I realized what it meant when people said that a marriage would take a lot of work.  I can't really define what that "work" is - I think that it has to be experienced.  We have often been told things such as  "It is easy for you because you have a happy marriage."  Easy?  Why would it have been easier for us?  Granted, we chose each other very carefully and we are best friends... but easy?  Easy???  No.  Not easy.  We work very hard at our marriage.  Work, however,  can be fun.  People put a lot of effort into a lot of things - why not into their marriage?  A lot of effort by both of us has yielded a happy marriage.  We both expected to have a good marriage, we are both willing to do our part, and we have been rewarded more deeply than we had realized was possible.
...And it is good to know that we can dent the car, be disappointed, yet still be smiling when we arrive at the piano recital...