Dislike the Dent, Love the Driver

CRASH!  That horrible sound of impact as the back of our van met the front of our trailer hitch.  Our family was in the car as we were hurrying to the children's piano recital.  I groaned.  Mark jumped out to survey the damage (luckily he was the driver).  He got back in, reported the damage, and we were on our way.  "Hey!" said the voice of our young driver in the backseat, "Is that all the reaction he gets?  Dad just wrecked the car... all that I did was pull out in front of another car and everyone started yelling!?"
Well... yes.... pulling out in front an oncoming car was a very frightening experience for all of us - worth a little yelling.   But why would I yell at Mark for a large dent in the van?  What good would that do?  What harm would it do is the better question.  The trailer was not in its usual spot.  He certainly didn't do it on purpose.  Our feelings on the matter were the same.  He would not have yelled at me if I had been the driver.  It is not the way we work... thankfully.
When we were engaged, Mark and I were asked to speak in church on the topic of successful marriage.  We thought it a bit unusual since neither of us had been married - but we did our research and presented our talks.  Several members of the congregation told us afterward that we would, indeed, be successful if we would follow what we had learned.  All that I could ever remember from that day is that I mentioned that selfishness has no part in a marriage.
Haha - at that stage of life I couldn't have even guessed what that meant - but the words have stayed with me and I have to catch myself over and over as I try to implement them.  At this stage of life I can certainly testify that they are true.

This semester I have only one class - and in it I am studying Marriage and Family.  As a semester project I am required to blog for 6-8 hours on the subject of Marriage and Family.  At first I was excited, but there is that strange phenomena wherein something that is pleasurable becomes more of a chore once it becomes an assignment...  It's a shame because these are some of my favorite subjects!!  Now I have only three weeks of class left so I had better get busy...  Today I am thinking of some events that occurred early in our relationship that have helped us to be successful and establish a loving home.

Engaged!

Mark was the third child in his family to marry.  He observed the first two marriages with interest.  They have also been successful, but in the beginning he noticed the normal adjustments to marriage and the small arguments that would arise.  He decided that he would not let little things bother him.  He married with with all of my many imperfections, and he was not bothered.  That set a great precedent for the two of us.
I think that there is a lot of bad advice parading around as good advice when it comes to all aspects of family.  I heard a story as a newlywed that had an impact on me.  In this story the couple had been told that they should write down and discuss the top 5 or 10 things that bugged them most about the other person. [At this point in the story I began to wonder what top 5 things I would write down???]  The wife made her list and it included items such as being bothered by the way the husband ate grapefruit.  She presented her list and then asked for his.  His list was blank.  He said that he loved her completely - all of her.  [Now I am really listening - forget the top top 5 things.]  My decision at that moment was to take any little thing that might be bothering me and instead think, "Well, that is part of who Mark is.  I love him completely and now I love that little thing about him also."

So young!  So positive about our future!

Mark and I both have very strong personalities.  We both like to be right.  I can recall exactly where we were at the moment we made another excellent decision (we were exiting Hwy 101 on the Madonna Road offramp)... I don't recall the conversation, but one of us had just proven ourselves "right."  We were engaged at the time, and decided right there that "I told you so" would not have a place in our relationship.  That's been a tough one, but we are a better couple for having made this choice.
Optimism - I think that one of the greatest strengths in our relationship has been that we expect it to be successful!  We expect to be happy together.  We expect it and we work at it.  Here are a few quotes on this subject:

• Belief and doubt are living attitudes, and involve conduct on our part. ... You make one of two possible universes true by your trust or mistrust.  [Thus] optimism and pessimism are definitions of the world, [and often we create the kind of world we live in because] our faith beforehand in an uncertified results is the only thing that makes the result come true. (William James, Essays on Faith and Morals)
• Marriage... is no more satisfying than we are willing - striving - to make it.  Whether we "strive" to make the marriage work may be the most important ingredient in whether it does work. (Bruce Hafen, How We Lost the Plot)
• Happiness does not come by pressing a button... it must be earned... This is within the reach of every couple, ever person... if both are willing to pay the price. (Spencer Kimball, Marriage and Divorce)

Los Angeles - 3 August 1989

We were married about a week when I realized what it meant when people said that a marriage would take a lot of work.  I can't really define what that "work" is - I think that it has to be experienced.  We have often been told things such as  "It is easy for you because you have a happy marriage."  Easy?  Why would it have been easier for us?  Granted, we chose each other very carefully and we are best friends... but easy?  Easy???  No.  Not easy.  We work very hard at our marriage.  Work, however,  can be fun.  People put a lot of effort into a lot of things - why not into their marriage?  A lot of effort by both of us has yielded a happy marriage.  We both expected to have a good marriage, we are both willing to do our part, and we have been rewarded more deeply than we had realized was possible.
...And it is good to know that we can dent the car, be disappointed, yet still be smiling when we arrive at the piano recital...

Look Ma! No Tumors!

...and then sometimes, the news is good!

   Natalie was moved up to varsity tennis this year and having a great experience.  Then, sadly, tendonitis in her wrist took her out for the rest of the season, including districts.  As she used her brace the pain in her right wrist slowly subsided and she became aware of a very familiar pain deep in her right shoulder.  She lost range-of-motion and would suddenly collapse in pain while attempting push-ups.  We recognized the symptoms as those she had before being diagnosed with synovial chondromatosis in which her shoulder joint was full of cartilaginous tumors.  Last time we didn't suspect anything like this and spent about 4 months using BenGay and dealing with the pain.  This time we were not messing around - we called our surgeon at OHSU and he got us right in for an MRI.  We had to wait over Memorial Day weekend for results, and then did not hear until Wednesday night - what a relief to know that her pain is real but there are no tumors!  Simply inflammation in the rotator cuff.  We will go see the doctor next week and he will help us to know what we can be doing for the pain and to reduce this problem in the future.
But.... NO TUMORS!  This isn't news that we are accustomed to hearing.  Natalie broke out in a huge smile of relief, "Now I can play tennis!!"  Actually the list of "now-I-can" is much longer (for the whole family).  Suspecting another round of shoulder surgery and recovery we were feeling that too-familiar cloud pressing down on us.  Would she be able to have surgery prior to our extremely busy month of July so that she would be able to participate??  Would she be able to abide the pain until August if they couldn't get her in right away?  Was this going to recur every two years?
We have grown accustomed to setting aside future plans for immediate care and recovery.  We felt ourselves sliding back down into the abyss from we are so slowly emerging - this was like a great burst of energy.  A weight off of our shoulders allowing us to climb more quickly rather than being dragged down.  Suddenly summer is a beautiful gift to be enjoyed and we are humbly grateful to our Lord for this beautiful and tender mercy!!

Walking on Hilton Head - we found
a prehistoric animal that was new to
us - luckily a local answered our
questions.  Who can name it?

I am also grateful this morning for mountains!  I am always grateful for mountains.  I just LOVE them.  I am not being philosophical, I mean I love real rock-dirt-trees-and-water mountains.  I even love dry-sagebrush-covered mountains, especially when you get to see the rock formations.  I like to look at mountains, I like to hike mountains (not climb - I never said climb).  I grew up in the Rocky Mountains.  I loved my college years in Provo under the protective watch of the Wasatch Front.  I have spent most of my adult life enjoying the beautiful mountains and volcanoes here in the Northwest.

I don't have any ancestors
from the South, but I really
enjoy a bowl of grits on the side!

This is all on my mind today because I flew in last night from South Carolina.  Mark and I went to a tax conference on Hilton Head Island.  We loved it - and also had time to visit beautiful Savannah, Georgia which we also loved.  The landscape was nice and tame.  I always love seeing the green and trees of the Midwest and East Coast.  It was hot and humid and as we drove I realized that you didn't really ever see anything but trees.  You couldn't even see the businesses (which was an exceptionally attractive way to have all of that convenient big box store shopping without having to look at them.)  However, I found myself getting rather claustrophobic and bored - sometimes the trees were swampy and I hoped to see an alligator but did not.  I saw my first oyster beds, at both high and low tides, so that was cool.  The mossy trees in Savannah stole my heart!  BUT - no mountains.  Not even a hill.  Where were the vistas? the breathtaking views?  When the locals raved about their coastline I felt so sorry that they hadn't seen the Oregon Coast.  (I am so grateful that I have.)

Bonaventure Cemetery in Savannah.
What an amazing kind of beauty!

Key lime pie at a little bakery in
Savannah - I had to buy the cookbook!

Flying home - seven hours in a window seat... I love those endless miles of farm country.  It is comfortable and homey.  We had a layover in Detroit and I love the Michigan fields and farms.  Hours later Mark and I were flying along watching a movie when I glanced outside and ahhh... there were mountains below us!  Rugged peaks covered in snow.  I kept glancing out the window and knowing that I was being welcomed home.

At a beautiful fountain in
one of the many parks found
in Historic Savannah.

Mark always says that the Portland airport is the most beautiful landing you can find.  I agree.  Now I am home and surrounded by beauty - I reflect back on the sights of last week.  Suddenly I long for a walk through a town square in Savannah or to feel the breeze take away the humidity on Hilton Head.  I can see those endless trees which looked a lot like giant stalks of broccoli - and I remember being with my husband and talking, laughing, driving in silence and loving every moment of it.

Home Sweet Home!
Mt. Hood at sunset (from airplane)

I love mountains, but now I have new places to love as well.  I believe that I learn to love a place after experiencing that place with loved ones.
Earth is magnificent in its beauty with all of the variety.  What a blessing to be able to appreciate it.  Where is my favorite place on Earth?  It is wherever I am humble enough to look around and give thanks for the marvelous experience of being alive.  It is wherever I am making memories with my family.  It is wherever Mark and I are together!

Looking Back... Looking Forward

A few weeks ago I stood in front of my spice cabinet absently staring, trying to figure out what it was I was supposed to be doing???  I finally looked around my kitchen, saw that I was making pancakes and remembered that we were out of syrup and I would need to make some more.  
I had made it to the spice cabinet for a reason, but then I had become distracted.  I did not know that I was searching for the maple flavoring until I looked back to where I had been and remembered my purpose.
This simple experience struck me  - although we should not live in the past, we need to understand where we have been to know where it is that we want to go.  Learning from mistakes, learning from others, learning from triumphs... we will know the path that we want to pursue in the future.

Looking back at Pismo Beach.
Here is the wall I was leaning
against with Lori and her friends
when I first saw Mark.  He
came to the beach to go skim boarding
with his brother, Mike.  Everyone
wanted us to meet.. only our eyes
met, but it was a good start!

I have not blogged for a month - the reason is that the idea of "looking back" is so huge.  I have thought of it almost every day and there is simply too much to say, I cannot seem to corral my thoughts and express them clearly.

Oh dear - I keep typing and deleting ideas... so I will keep it simple and with the one thing that has stood out to me.

I like to watch past episodes of "Who Do You Think You Are" while I walk on the treadmill.  I have only seen 10 or 15, but when I started to think of looking back, I started to notice statements that the celebrities make.  (This is a program sponsored by Ancestry.com in which they trace the roots of celebrities.)  They say things like, "This has really changed how I see things."  "This will change the way I make decisions in the future."

Looking back at Montano De Oro.  A
favorite spot during childhood and
during our courtship, it is great to be
able to share it with our children.

I know that when I learn a story about my ancestors, my life is changed.  It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't explored their family history, but for all that have - we comprehend that experience.   Last month I read some excerpts from Mark's grandmother's journal.  She was having a hard time and expressing her hurt and frustration.  I had known her story, but now I know her feelings.  I felt such love for her - and suddenly her life has impacted mine in a very real way.  I think that it comes from knowing about real people to whom we are connected, and knowing that they went through hard times but were still successful, were still loved.
...Well, I don't know what it is, but there is a connection and it is real.

Looking back at surfing, most
of our dates involved surfing
so it was fun for Mark to
teach the kids.

So, looking forward....again, too big of a subject, but to go along with the distant past... look into the distant future.  What will I do and say in my life that will have a positive impact on my future grandchildren and great-grandchildren?  Obviously they will not use me as a famous ancestor in a report - but they will have this connection.  Am I living my life in a way that will have a positive impact for generations to come?  I may never do anything grand, but I can live every day to bless my posterity, and those in my present life will benefit as well.

A few other looking back moments:

Looking back in Paso Robles, I love
being on this road on Grandpa's ranch
and thinking of all evening walks
with family during childhood.

Looking back on last night's overpriced but tasteless dinner - I hope to never eat at that restaurant again.
Looking back on how it feels when I sleep long vs how I feel when I get up and get going... I will hope to get ignore the temptation to sleep in.
Looking back on fun family times, I will try to remember to not get over scheduled and make sure that family recreation is a top priority.
Looking back on past photo albums, I will try to remember to capture our fun moments in pictures.
Looking back into my past journals I see who I really am, I gain confidence in my abilities, my relationships, and my future.

Looking back at the beach - watching
the children play I know this could
have been me and my siblings.
Family traditions are important
at all levels of living.

Since I often need to write about cancer - I can definitely say that when Jackie was diagnosed with cancer last year... and with all of the tumor-related events that have followed... The only way that I knew to deal with it was to look back - I went to my old blog, to past journals and other things that I had written when we were dealing with Greg's bone cancer.  I knew that I had learned lessons but I was in no state of mind to be able to recall them.  I was still feeling weak from that experience... how would I possibly deal with what was before me?  I was surprised that we had done well, and I remembered the formula for survival and success.

Looking back at Morro Bay - a trip home
to San Luis Obispo isn't complete with
family photos taken on our dolphin.  This
year we were surprised that it had gotten
so small - or are we getting so big?  Time
flies - I hope that I remember to make the
most of it!

I am realizing that when I write, I am writing to my future self.  I am writing to my children.  I am writing to family-to-come.  My blog is about learning from life's experiences.  Life happens, we make our decisions in how to deal with it, and time marches on.  We make good choices, we make bad choices... if we don't look back and learn, how do we know what to do in our future?


(The photos are all from April 2015, Spring Break)

SURPRISE...& Surprising Side Effects

Surprises at the airport

As I landed in Salt Lake City on Friday I got a text from Jackie that she and Greg were running a little late.  No problem.  Unbeknownst to me, they were waiting downstairs with a big sign and balloons to surprise (and embarrass) me.  Unbeknownst to them, I was bring a little surprise of my own.  Kimberly was my surprise - she was traveling with me to visit the "college kids" but we had not told them.

Kimberly was a surprise guest

Surprise to both of us - we went to the wrong places.  They waited at the wrong terminal, and we waited at passenger pickup, looking for a car that was not coming.  I stood up to wait, while Kimberly sat and read her book - it was rather funny to see them walk right past her to get to me... and even better several minutes later... when Jackie looked over and realization slowly dawned.
That was fun.
Later Jackie was able to surprise Nathan by having Kimberly in the car when she picked him up.
Yesterday Greg managed to slip out of church and back again without me knowing.  He was busy back at Grandma's house.  Later, he walked slowly home with me while the others walked ahead.

Surprise Birthday!

Fun surprise to open the door and find the room swathed in streamers and balloons, and even better that Nathan and Shanna were there several hours earlier than expected.  Surprise!  I thought it was a surprise for Greg, except they were all looking at me.  Great surprise birthday party 3 weeks early!  They figured that there were more family members in Utah that day (4 kids, 2 parents), than there would be on my birthday (3 kids, husband traveling).  How fun!  Even better - several weeks earlier I had asked Nathan if he needed anything while I was in town and he had requested a chocolate cake - so I had unknowingly maintained tradition and baked my own birthday cake!  (It's ok, I prefer it this way.)

You can see the port and tubing
under the skin.  Also the old scar.

We have a tendency to like simple surprises, or simply surprising each other.  This contributes to the "laughing through life" part of my blog... or maybe the loving.  Mostly the loving.
It is fun.

As I type I am sitting alongside Greg's hospital bed - here was a not-so-fun surprise.  Since I was coming, he wanted to drive to Huntsman for the week's chemotherapy.  This way we could enjoy that amazing view and sit in the comfy chairs.  Instead they brought us back into a private room with a bed.  No window.  No view.  No fun.... No big deal - we are having a nice day together.  The snack lady came by, so we are well stocked. The infusion should end in about 20 minutes - then they will hook him up to his two-day-take-home chemo and we will be on our way.
What surprises are in store?  Hopefully none... he would like to be able to predict how his week will go.  From last time he has learned to take it easy and get lots...LOTS... of rest. No surprise.  Nausea isn't a surprise and he has learned to keep it under control.
He has not been without some surprise side-effects.  They warned him about cold sensitivity, but who knew what that would mean?  Ummm, it means just what it says (duh).  Very sensitive to cold.  So sensitive that taking room-temperature mayonnaise off the shelf at the grocery store was uncomfortable.  Picking up his phone - brrrr.. way too cold!

Still Smiling!  No Surprise!

Since he is here - I asked him again just how it feels.  I had been imagining this like the pain we all feel when we have to hold ice longer than is comfortable.  Not even close - he describes it to be the sensation of hitting your funnybone.  When he touches something cold it immediately turns numb, like your hand has gone to sleep.  The really awful part is eating and drinking... his mouth and even his throat go numb. He cannot even tell that anything is in his mouth.  There is no taste, no sensation of swallowing... no pleasure of eating.
Just now - he took a drink of the apple juice he has been drinking.  This side effect has kicked in - his mouth was numb.  I guess the rest of us could imagine that the dentist had numbed our entire mouth - instantaneously.
The other day it was cold outside - not only his fingers, but his entire face went numb and tingling.  It was hard to talk and he couldn't smile...
This lasts about a week.
He says it is pretty cool, knowing that it is temporary.
Who knew?
Surprise!
Surprise Side-Effects... keeping life interesting...

Better than Normal

Yikes, here is an old blog post that should have been posted March 13 - but I never went back to proofread/edit...
Speaking of Jackie and her chordoma... Today marks the date that it was actually removed one year ago!  Hooray - she is being watched very closely.  Her excellent surgeon was so careful to use micro-stitching rather than micro-staples with even the smallest blood vessels just to be certain that future MRIs would not be fuzzy at all - they would not want to miss anything.
A chordoma only responds to proton radiation - something that we would have had to travel to Seattle to receive.  Li-Fraumeni patients must avoid radiation of any kind whenever possible, so we weren't too excited about this.  The surgeons not only felt that they were able to remove the entire tumor - they were able to preserve the integrity of her spine, negating the need for further surgery and stabilization.  She experienced one miracle after another and it was great.
I have never gone back to read any details - it has been a year.  She feels great and is living a normal life - except for missing several inches of three ribs and permanent numbness on much of her left side.... and much poking, prodding, and scanning... otherwise normal.

Well, actually... better than normal.

I feel like a broken record, but I cannot say enough how important trials are to our lives, to make us the best that we can be.  Paraphrasing a story I heard from David A. Bednar - I want to share its lesson:
He knew of a man that really wanted a pickup truck.  His wife really didn't.  He says that the husband would tell her they needed the 4 wheel-drive to go and get milk for the children in case of a snow storm.  She reminded him that if they bought a truck they would not have money for the milk... Eventually they bought the truck.  To help justify the purchase, he took it up into the mountains to collect firewood.  The further up the mountain, the worse the conditions became, until finally, he was stuck.  There seemed to be no way that he would make it out of the mud (or snow - I cannot recall).  He thought that since he was already there and had time on his hands, he might as well cut the firewood and fill his truck.  He did so - and, lo and behold, with the back of his truck full of firewood he was able to drive out of the mess he was in and make it safely home.
It was the burden.  The weight of the load, or burden, gave him the traction that he needed to get home again.  We need trials, or burdens, to give us the spiritual traction to return to our Heavenly Father and our heavenly home.
This is why we are grateful for hardships.  Usually we look back and are grateful.  I believe that we can be grateful in the midst of our trials - maybe not liking them one bit, but being grateful that we are growing and gaining spiritual traction.
When life is going well there is so much to be grateful for also.  Truthfully, my growth hasn't been too steady during those times.  I get too comfortable and tend to just coast.
When there is darkness, fear, and uncertainty... we can put our trust in the Lord.  Not as easy as it sounds... and that is the secret!  If it were easy, we wouldn't grow.

Another recent story - Greg team-teaches a Sunday School class with a young woman.  Last Sunday she was upset and shared with him the story that her younger brother had just been diagnosed with bone cancer.  She and her family are naturally very upset.  Quoting Greg, "She's at the hard first week point, glad I'm not going through that part again!"  Those days are horrendous--- but it is going to get better.    Natalie tells people that "you get three really bad days - then do your part to make it better."  However, because Greg has experienced those days (more than once) - he was in a position to talk with her and share what he has learned.  She felt much better and he was pleased to be able to help.
This is not the first time and I am sure that it will not be the last time that Greg, and my other children (including the siblings without cancer), will be able to help others going through difficult times.  They have learned at a young age that life will present you with "opportunities to grow" that you would rather just didn't come your way...ever... - but are worth having.

Are my children living normal lives?  Not really. They are living better than normal lives and I am glad of it!

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. Romans 8:28

Looking Back - One Year Later

Flashback one year ago today - one of those days that burns into your memory, burns into your heart.  March 11, 2014 - I experienced what I then called a "heart-stopping moment" and with today's reflection, I can still recall that feeling - deep down inside where we store those moments for a lifetime.  Following this; when my heart began to beat again - my day was filled with wonder as I pondered what had happened and knew with a certainty that Heaven had intervened in our behalf.  
Today is the anniversary of our initial attempt to remove Jackie's chordoma - a fist-sized tumor tucked up in the center of her thoracic cavity.  It was bordered by her spinal column, her aorta and her lungs.  Four surgeons would be working on her, sometimes simultaneously, through two different incisions; one vertical along the left side of her spine, the second running along the rib line on her left.  They would have to collapse her left lung in order to access the tumor.  
Weeks later - two of the surgeons would declare it to be "one of the coolest surgeries they had ever seen."  On the morning of March 11, we weren't thinking it was very cool - it was rather frightening.  We did feel, however, that we were in very good hands.  Our primary surgeon was very accomplished, and just within our own family he had removed a tumor from Mark's left shoulder, multiple tumors from Natalie's right shoulder, and replaced 10 inches of Greg's tibia with an awesome prosthesis.
We had to wait several weeks to get the correct operating room for Jackie's surgery - she was almost ready to be taken in when there was a thoracic emergency in ICU and our procedure was bumped back several hours.  They finally came for her, so Mark and I decided to go eat and then enjoy the spring sunshine outside.  She had been gone for a couple hours when we decided to go to the family waiting area.  We were not there long when I looked up and saw our surgeon enter the room... how strange... why wasn't he with Jackie?  I knew the surgery could not possibly be finished.  Through the window into the hallway I thought I saw her anesthesiologist... who was with my daughter?  They asked to speak with us in a conference room - there were five doctors waiting to talk to us!  This could not be good....
They were quick to assure us that Jackie was alive and there were still several doctors with her (OHSU is a teaching hospital).  These several hours had been spent trying to start her arterial line - when the time came to collapse her lung they had to switch breathing tubes, but her airway had collapsed.  They had resuscitated her, but it seemed that they were all rather shaken.  They had come to ask us permission to stop the surgery and resume it in two days.  They did not want to begin a surgery such as this when her body had undergone such trauma.  YES!  By all means, stop and let her recover... (Apparently one of the doctors had seen this happen before and that family had been upset at the notion of postponing.)
Mark and I returned to the waiting area until she could be transferred to ICU.  We were both struck by the notion that his recently-deceased father had had a hand in this.  Mark said he could just see him there saying, "Stop!  Enough!"  Each doctor in the room had been in agreement that they needed to stop the procedure - I thought this somewhat remarkable from orthopedic, thoracic and neurosurgeons.  My experience working in the operating room was enough to know that these men are highly specialized, maybe a bit arrogant, and extremely busy and driven.  I appreciated their humility.
That night in the ICU was not very nice - Jackie woke up on a ventilator which is an awful experience.  Her hands were tied down and she could not speak or breathe on her own.  Then we had to communicate to her that the surgery was not over - she would have to begin again.  She was able to communicate with us by finger spelling.  
Naturally, no one was very anxious to remove the breathing tube.  We had many visits from a variety of physicians.  The anesthesiologist in charge was particularly attentive.  On one of his visits he expressed that this was an unusual situation, but it was as though God had told them all, "STOP!"
I don't know that he was a particularly religious man, but he had been struck by what had happened.
I had been praying that not only would the surgeons receive help, they would know the source of the help.  My sister, Lori, told me later that she had been praying that not only would they know the source of their help - that they would express this back to us!  
What a harrowing day!  What a beautiful day!
I would never want to repeat this day!
I would never want to change this day!
Writing about it has made me feel weak.  Reflecting on it makes me strong.  The testimony felt that day - that God is so very aware of us, his children - stays with me. The reality of angels - loving us and strengthening us - this stays with me also.  
Life's experiences teach us so much.  
Coming into the ICU and seeing Jackie unresponsive and hooked up to so many machines... well, it wasn't a high point in my life.  Throughout the night, one-by-one, tubes were removed and monitors were cleared away.  Memories remained.  Love grew and intensified.  
I am so grateful to have had this experience with my daughter, husband and family.  The weakness I feel in remembering isn't from the horrors of the day, it is from memories of my involvement in a day full of humility, love, trepidation, and support from loved-ones on earth and in Heaven.

Happy Anniversary Jackie!!  

Why Me?

Why me?  Usually this seems to indicate someone feeling sorry for themselves and their circumstances.  I've been there a time or two, as has everyone I know.
"Why Greg?"  That was a question I had in the similar state of mind one day in Autumn of 2010.  I was outside when I looked up at Greg's bedroom window - he had been on chemotherapy for a couple weeks.  We were home from the hospital and I knew he was lying asleep in his bed.  He was very sick and weak - and the anti-nausea meds we had at the time were playing tricks with his mind.  It was just awful - It was definitely a "Why me... Why Greg?" moment.  He was such a good kid; always happy and helpful, setting goals for his life, etc.  Looking up at his window, I had a good cry... one of my better ones in fact.  Looking back - this was probably the beginning of change in myself...
At this point we were trying very hard to be positive and upbeat, and doing a pretty good job of it.  Embracing the situation, being grateful for this trial --this had not yet happened.  Then it did - I have written about this many times.

The sunrise on the way to Chemo

I went beyond knowing that this would turn out well in future years - I learned for myself that this could be well right now; all could be well in the present.  If I was going to be thankful for this later on, I was going to be thankful for this in the present.  After several attempts over a period of days I was able to pray and give heartfelt thanks that my son was able to have this experience.
And I meant it.
So do I still ask, "Why me?"  Sure, but in a new way with a new emphasis.  "Why" is a great question, but how about asking it and really meaning it... Take it deeper! Why?  Why this?  Why now?  Why not?  What am I supposed to learn?  How am I supposed to behave?  How do I need to change?  Who needs my attention? How will I be able to help others with my new-found knowledge and experience?
There are a lot of questions that go along with that Why?

Huntsman chemo infusion unit

What if there is no major life trial happening at the moment?  When life seems easy, do we ever ask why me?  Why?  Why are things going so well?  Why are awful things happening to other people but not to me?  Here is a chance to use the "who" question... Who around me is having trials?  Who needs my help?  How can I use  my time to brighten someone's day.  How shall I use this time to prepare for whatever is over the horizon.

Greg's fantastic view during Chemo

Enduring it Well - this is a radio program that I listened to a couple days ago.  I came in on the end... they were interviewing a man who was severely burned.  He said that everyone has trials, but some of them are very obvious.  He felt that those of us who have obvious trials have a responsibility to speak about it and share what we learn in order to help the majority whose trials are hidden.  I was so excited to hear him say that.  I have a very obvious trial.  I also have some that are not so obvious and I would not be comfortable discussing in public.  The strength I receive in being a mother of cancer-kids spills over and helps me in my other trials.  I hope that it can spill over and help my friends in all of their hidden trials as well.
If life has a purpose (and it does), then there is a purpose for our trials.
"Why?" is a good question, especially without the whine...

chemo-to-go!
Take one home today!

Speaking of not whining - let's check in on Greg.  He began chemotherapy yesterday morning.  He had a two hour infusion and then brought home a 48 hour infusion in a fanny pack to carry around for awhile...
...drum roll...

Greg sent me a screenshot of his
texting with one of his bishopric
member's wife.  I thought this was
so sweet!  Thank you!!

He is feeling great!  He texted me last night that, although he had not eaten anything at the hospital, when he got home he reported, "I have a huge appetite.  I ate almost a whole pizza.  I had pudding. Candy. Chips.   And I don't feel bad at all.  Being at home helps with sick feelings"
Has a mother ever been so pleased to have her child eating pizza, pudding, candy and chips?

Halfway done- there is a
hard ball in the center.

Greg has enough experience with anti-nausea pills to be able to manage this ---so far so good.  Another bonus - the chemotherapy is clear.  Last time there was one that was off-color.  I won't say the color because we try not to think of it... As he got progressively more sick the nurses would fill his hospital room with spearmint scented cotton balls before he was admitted.  We carried mint gum to sniff just in case... but the moment that off-colored chemo made it on the scene... ugh!  Let's not talk about it.
Anyway, the good news is that he is doing well.  I am humbled and grateful for the prayers of so many.  I have received many answers to my question of Why - and they are all good.  I will surely learn many more in the future.  We CAN be grateful for our trials!

Blogging question?  I have had so many people tell me that they comment on this blog but it never works.  Almost a year of blogs and only a few comments, but several people that try... who can tell me how to leave a comment?   I would love to have comments to read!