Dislike the Dent, Love the Driver

CRASH!  That horrible sound of impact as the back of our van met the front of our trailer hitch.  Our family was in the car as we were hurrying to the children's piano recital.  I groaned.  Mark jumped out to survey the damage (luckily he was the driver).  He got back in, reported the damage, and we were on our way.  "Hey!" said the voice of our young driver in the backseat, "Is that all the reaction he gets?  Dad just wrecked the car... all that I did was pull out in front of another car and everyone started yelling!?"
Well... yes.... pulling out in front an oncoming car was a very frightening experience for all of us - worth a little yelling.   But why would I yell at Mark for a large dent in the van?  What good would that do?  What harm would it do is the better question.  The trailer was not in its usual spot.  He certainly didn't do it on purpose.  Our feelings on the matter were the same.  He would not have yelled at me if I had been the driver.  It is not the way we work... thankfully.
When we were engaged, Mark and I were asked to speak in church on the topic of successful marriage.  We thought it a bit unusual since neither of us had been married - but we did our research and presented our talks.  Several members of the congregation told us afterward that we would, indeed, be successful if we would follow what we had learned.  All that I could ever remember from that day is that I mentioned that selfishness has no part in a marriage.
Haha - at that stage of life I couldn't have even guessed what that meant - but the words have stayed with me and I have to catch myself over and over as I try to implement them.  At this stage of life I can certainly testify that they are true.

This semester I have only one class - and in it I am studying Marriage and Family.  As a semester project I am required to blog for 6-8 hours on the subject of Marriage and Family.  At first I was excited, but there is that strange phenomena wherein something that is pleasurable becomes more of a chore once it becomes an assignment...  It's a shame because these are some of my favorite subjects!!  Now I have only three weeks of class left so I had better get busy...  Today I am thinking of some events that occurred early in our relationship that have helped us to be successful and establish a loving home.

Engaged!

Mark was the third child in his family to marry.  He observed the first two marriages with interest.  They have also been successful, but in the beginning he noticed the normal adjustments to marriage and the small arguments that would arise.  He decided that he would not let little things bother him.  He married with with all of my many imperfections, and he was not bothered.  That set a great precedent for the two of us.
I think that there is a lot of bad advice parading around as good advice when it comes to all aspects of family.  I heard a story as a newlywed that had an impact on me.  In this story the couple had been told that they should write down and discuss the top 5 or 10 things that bugged them most about the other person. [At this point in the story I began to wonder what top 5 things I would write down???]  The wife made her list and it included items such as being bothered by the way the husband ate grapefruit.  She presented her list and then asked for his.  His list was blank.  He said that he loved her completely - all of her.  [Now I am really listening - forget the top top 5 things.]  My decision at that moment was to take any little thing that might be bothering me and instead think, "Well, that is part of who Mark is.  I love him completely and now I love that little thing about him also."

So young!  So positive about our future!

Mark and I both have very strong personalities.  We both like to be right.  I can recall exactly where we were at the moment we made another excellent decision (we were exiting Hwy 101 on the Madonna Road offramp)... I don't recall the conversation, but one of us had just proven ourselves "right."  We were engaged at the time, and decided right there that "I told you so" would not have a place in our relationship.  That's been a tough one, but we are a better couple for having made this choice.
Optimism - I think that one of the greatest strengths in our relationship has been that we expect it to be successful!  We expect to be happy together.  We expect it and we work at it.  Here are a few quotes on this subject:

• Belief and doubt are living attitudes, and involve conduct on our part. ... You make one of two possible universes true by your trust or mistrust.  [Thus] optimism and pessimism are definitions of the world, [and often we create the kind of world we live in because] our faith beforehand in an uncertified results is the only thing that makes the result come true. (William James, Essays on Faith and Morals)
• Marriage... is no more satisfying than we are willing - striving - to make it.  Whether we "strive" to make the marriage work may be the most important ingredient in whether it does work. (Bruce Hafen, How We Lost the Plot)
• Happiness does not come by pressing a button... it must be earned... This is within the reach of every couple, ever person... if both are willing to pay the price. (Spencer Kimball, Marriage and Divorce)

Los Angeles - 3 August 1989

We were married about a week when I realized what it meant when people said that a marriage would take a lot of work.  I can't really define what that "work" is - I think that it has to be experienced.  We have often been told things such as  "It is easy for you because you have a happy marriage."  Easy?  Why would it have been easier for us?  Granted, we chose each other very carefully and we are best friends... but easy?  Easy???  No.  Not easy.  We work very hard at our marriage.  Work, however,  can be fun.  People put a lot of effort into a lot of things - why not into their marriage?  A lot of effort by both of us has yielded a happy marriage.  We both expected to have a good marriage, we are both willing to do our part, and we have been rewarded more deeply than we had realized was possible.
...And it is good to know that we can dent the car, be disappointed, yet still be smiling when we arrive at the piano recital...

Look Ma! No Tumors!

...and then sometimes, the news is good!

   Natalie was moved up to varsity tennis this year and having a great experience.  Then, sadly, tendonitis in her wrist took her out for the rest of the season, including districts.  As she used her brace the pain in her right wrist slowly subsided and she became aware of a very familiar pain deep in her right shoulder.  She lost range-of-motion and would suddenly collapse in pain while attempting push-ups.  We recognized the symptoms as those she had before being diagnosed with synovial chondromatosis in which her shoulder joint was full of cartilaginous tumors.  Last time we didn't suspect anything like this and spent about 4 months using BenGay and dealing with the pain.  This time we were not messing around - we called our surgeon at OHSU and he got us right in for an MRI.  We had to wait over Memorial Day weekend for results, and then did not hear until Wednesday night - what a relief to know that her pain is real but there are no tumors!  Simply inflammation in the rotator cuff.  We will go see the doctor next week and he will help us to know what we can be doing for the pain and to reduce this problem in the future.
But.... NO TUMORS!  This isn't news that we are accustomed to hearing.  Natalie broke out in a huge smile of relief, "Now I can play tennis!!"  Actually the list of "now-I-can" is much longer (for the whole family).  Suspecting another round of shoulder surgery and recovery we were feeling that too-familiar cloud pressing down on us.  Would she be able to have surgery prior to our extremely busy month of July so that she would be able to participate??  Would she be able to abide the pain until August if they couldn't get her in right away?  Was this going to recur every two years?
We have grown accustomed to setting aside future plans for immediate care and recovery.  We felt ourselves sliding back down into the abyss from we are so slowly emerging - this was like a great burst of energy.  A weight off of our shoulders allowing us to climb more quickly rather than being dragged down.  Suddenly summer is a beautiful gift to be enjoyed and we are humbly grateful to our Lord for this beautiful and tender mercy!!

Walking on Hilton Head - we found
a prehistoric animal that was new to
us - luckily a local answered our
questions.  Who can name it?

I am also grateful this morning for mountains!  I am always grateful for mountains.  I just LOVE them.  I am not being philosophical, I mean I love real rock-dirt-trees-and-water mountains.  I even love dry-sagebrush-covered mountains, especially when you get to see the rock formations.  I like to look at mountains, I like to hike mountains (not climb - I never said climb).  I grew up in the Rocky Mountains.  I loved my college years in Provo under the protective watch of the Wasatch Front.  I have spent most of my adult life enjoying the beautiful mountains and volcanoes here in the Northwest.

I don't have any ancestors
from the South, but I really
enjoy a bowl of grits on the side!

This is all on my mind today because I flew in last night from South Carolina.  Mark and I went to a tax conference on Hilton Head Island.  We loved it - and also had time to visit beautiful Savannah, Georgia which we also loved.  The landscape was nice and tame.  I always love seeing the green and trees of the Midwest and East Coast.  It was hot and humid and as we drove I realized that you didn't really ever see anything but trees.  You couldn't even see the businesses (which was an exceptionally attractive way to have all of that convenient big box store shopping without having to look at them.)  However, I found myself getting rather claustrophobic and bored - sometimes the trees were swampy and I hoped to see an alligator but did not.  I saw my first oyster beds, at both high and low tides, so that was cool.  The mossy trees in Savannah stole my heart!  BUT - no mountains.  Not even a hill.  Where were the vistas? the breathtaking views?  When the locals raved about their coastline I felt so sorry that they hadn't seen the Oregon Coast.  (I am so grateful that I have.)

Bonaventure Cemetery in Savannah.
What an amazing kind of beauty!

Key lime pie at a little bakery in
Savannah - I had to buy the cookbook!

Flying home - seven hours in a window seat... I love those endless miles of farm country.  It is comfortable and homey.  We had a layover in Detroit and I love the Michigan fields and farms.  Hours later Mark and I were flying along watching a movie when I glanced outside and ahhh... there were mountains below us!  Rugged peaks covered in snow.  I kept glancing out the window and knowing that I was being welcomed home.

At a beautiful fountain in
one of the many parks found
in Historic Savannah.

Mark always says that the Portland airport is the most beautiful landing you can find.  I agree.  Now I am home and surrounded by beauty - I reflect back on the sights of last week.  Suddenly I long for a walk through a town square in Savannah or to feel the breeze take away the humidity on Hilton Head.  I can see those endless trees which looked a lot like giant stalks of broccoli - and I remember being with my husband and talking, laughing, driving in silence and loving every moment of it.

Home Sweet Home!
Mt. Hood at sunset (from airplane)

I love mountains, but now I have new places to love as well.  I believe that I learn to love a place after experiencing that place with loved ones.
Earth is magnificent in its beauty with all of the variety.  What a blessing to be able to appreciate it.  Where is my favorite place on Earth?  It is wherever I am humble enough to look around and give thanks for the marvelous experience of being alive.  It is wherever I am making memories with my family.  It is wherever Mark and I are together!