Lifetime of Love

  "It's ok Mom, we know you love us!"  Kimberly, my 13 yr-old, was assuring me that she didn't mind that I had forgotten to put the red food coloring into our traditional Valentines Day breakfast.  Pink milk, pink, heart-shaped pancakes and pink buttermilk syrup are the usual fare.  Before church on Sunday I hurried to  prepare pancakes, buttermilk syrup and milk... it wasn't until we were almost done with breakfast that I realized that the pancakes were round and that nothing was pink.
  I knew it wasn't a big deal, but Kimberly's reassurance reminded me that there are so many little things we do that does express love.  Words are important.  Hugs are important.  Kindness is important.  Service is important.    Fun holiday traditions are good too, but sometimes don't mix well with getting to church on time....

   My friend recently told me of a lady she knows that has decided that when her children reach a certain age, she will no longer express her love for them through words or hugs.  Apparently they will no longer need those things.?? Well... I do not know what age that would be... I am nearing the half-century mark and I still need and expect this from my parents.  It breaks my heart to hear of such a parenting theory and I am grateful that my parents loved us children so completely - and expressed it in word and deed.

Well, here we are.  This photo was already
on my blog, so I probably wrote about
Dad on his last birthday also.  Oh well,
Happy Birthday Dad!!

Dad in high school

  Yesterday my dad turned 75!  How did that happen?  Isn't he in his 30's, patiently showing me how to tie my shoe and encouraging me as I learn to roller skate?  He is pushing us on the swings... giving us a "run-under" so that we can swing higher than the birds.  Now we are hiking on the California coast and he is stopping to break off leaves of various shrubs, smell them and tell us about that particular plant. He is full of boyhood stories of similar times spent hiking these same trails.  I'm in high school and he patiently helps me understand how to solve a word problem in Algebra.  Years before he
helped me learn to write an essay.   He is in his late 40's and driving me home from college for the summer, teaching me that deserts are beautiful, that all of the world is full of beauty if we will just look for it.  For a couple years my summer job is at his firm and we occasionally drive into the hills to eat our lunch, enjoying the views while eating peanut butter sandwiches together.  He is in his early 50's and I have just had my first baby boy.  He thinks he is alone with the baby and doesn't know I am watching him as he coos and makes nonsense sounds - have I ever loved him more?  He enters his 60's.  We both love photographs, stories, and family history.  We both want to be always outdoors, always breathing fresh air, tending plants and enjoying quiet moments.  I realize he is the most intelligent person of my acquaintance.  I try to practice what he preaches... if you think something is unpleasant - change your attitude and suddenly it is enjoyable (he is better at that than I am).

I am in Junior High School -
and I knew my parents loved me!

  So now he is 75 - I talked to him on the phone yesterday.  He had just come out of the theatre - they had gone to see the new Star Wars.  It was a bit emotional.  Why?  Almost 40 years ago we watched the original Star Wars together.  First our entire family went - we had been anxiously awaiting its release.  Then... wonder of wonders... Dad took my brother and I back again the next night.  And the next!  Although money was always tight - we saw that movie three times (or was it four?) in one week.  One memory is burned into our brains and our hearts - as we drove home our car became an X-wing fighter.  He put it into warp speed and we bravely battled the tie-fighters the whole way home particularly around that one corner near the 7-2-11.  All of these years later we remember it, we smile and we know that we love each other.

November 2014
Daddy-Daughter snapshot.
A lifetime of love!!

  "I love you"  "I love you too"
  Of course that is how we end all of our phone calls... and we mean it.  I expect to hear it, and I want to hear it.  Yet without it, I would still know.  My entire life I have known.  I knew my parents wanted to be parents.  I knew they loved being parents.  I knew they loved me.  When my dad speaks of having us all together as a young family he tears up.  They are the best of times.

  I love my family.  I love my parents.  Even more, I love being a parent.  I adore my children.  I will always tell them, and I hope that I always show them.  I hope that my entire life reflects the deep feelings I have for motherhood.  What memories will they have of me on my 75th birthday?

Alternative Ending:
  I don't want to conclude there - because I have never doubted that my father loves me, I have never doubted that my Heavenly Father loves me.  Because I have experienced the deep love that I feel for my children and they cannot yet comprehend, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me with a depth that I cannot yet comprehend.  I cannot grasp it, but I am learning to trust it.  I am one of countless children and he loves us all.  How I wish I could share what I know with everyone.  I am just one person, one daughter.  I can do my best to share this love with my children, and they in turn can learn to share it with their children.  It can filter out through our home and our lives to our friends and to those with whom we interact.  We can make a difference!  Our Father would want us to!

Experience Joy

   A smart, beautiful young girl dies of cancer.  Her mother writes a book.  I read the book.  I know I wasn't having the emotions that I was supposed to have.  I felt frustration. This poor woman really struggled - really, really struggled.  For example, she could not bathe because the water caused so much pain on her skin.
  Poor lady!  As I read of her struggles at first I just wanted to say, "Get A Grip Lady!" - Not very nice, but I couldn't understand her reactions.  I have been through so many of these same experiences and handled them so differently.
  I am a nice person and I repented of my reaction -  Then my frustration stemmed from the fact that I couldn't step into the book and help her out a little!  I wanted to talk to her and share some things that I know.  Her daughter was an amazing little girl and I was sorry that their last months together weren't lived differently - but alas, I could not change the story.  In the end, the mother finds a sort of peace, though I still think she is off the mark.
  A few weeks ago I was able to speak in church.  My topic was "How a Christ-Centered Life brings Joy."  I love this topic!  Because we are new in Texas I was able to share a few of our cancer experiences.  I share this because I wanted them to know that, despite a couple of really trying years, our family experiences JOY.

I think this is supposed to be
accompanied by M&Ms.
I would share if I could....

  This is a message I wish that I could share with everyone.  I know that childhood cancer doesn't reach every home.  However, I also know that trials, heartache and suffering do reach every home in one way or another.  Cancer is easy to talk about.  I am blessed in this way.  I know that every mother will watch their child struggle with something and most of those struggles are not to easy to discuss, or should not be discussed with others.  We have some of those.
  Cancer, however, well - we can talk about cancer.  If your child hasn't been diagnosed, you know a family member or friend has been.  We all know the fear and we all want to help.  So... I talk about it.... Hoping that those other mothers can read and learn and know that we can experience Joy in the midst of our trials.  This is one of the most beautiful and powerful lessons that I have learned through our childhood cancer years!
  I have thought more about this during the past couple of days.  I know I can feel sadness, discouragement, apprehension, anxiety, exhaustion and many other less-than-positive emotions and still feel Joy.  I may not be smiling.  I may be crying.  I can still be joyful.  Joy is deep.
  I also thought that I cannot feel Joy when I feel emotions such as anger, malice, jealousy, etc.  Why is that?  If my Joy is deep, where does it go when I let myself be angry?  I think that the key is "let myself."  When I make the choice to let myself have such negative emotions, I experience the consequence which is to drive away the spirit of Christ.
  Jesus Christ taught us the way to be happy.  That way is to follow Him.
   He taught us, he asked us to do certain things and live a certain way... then he gave us the agency to choose how we will live.
   I have learned that when I choose to follow his teachings and example, I can be in the midst of great heartache and still have joy... still have peace.
   It is simple, but so many people don't know where to turn or how to get there.  I have learned a lot over my life - I will write more of what I have learned.... later.  This is because I have learned that joy in family life is not achieved when Mom spends too much time on the computer...

Go Outside and Play !!

   Mark moved to Texas 2 1/2 months before the rest of the family.  That same weekend another family from Washington moved to Texas.  Mark met them at church - three of their children match the ages of our three still at home.  How fun it has been to have such good friends already - our kids have a great time together - all of them laughing, talking, playing games, etc.
   Our two families have a lot in common.   One important characteristic of both families - we limit our children's away-from-the-home activities so that the family has recreational time together.  We both enjoyed living in Washington with all of the outdoor activities available.  Hiking, swimming, exploring the coast...    A few nights ago my friend looked at me and expressed her concern for how we will spend our summer hours in the heat and without the mountains, lakes and rivers to which we are accustomed.  That night I slept fitfully as I pictured a summer without Lewisville Park, Battle Ground Lake, Siouxon Falls, Moulton Falls...

I captured this on my
phone last August and
it should explain my
summertime anxiety

I loved walking at Lewisville
Park several times/week

  To know me is to know that one of my greatest dreams for my children came true when we moved to our five secluded acres.  We lived there almost 14 years and never watched a television station.   My kids played outdoors with their imagination - I love hearing them reminisce about their make-believe games.  It sounds like they all had a special spot in the woods where they could go to be alone.  I know I did.
  I have been very blessed to move to Texas with 2.3 somewhat secluded acres also!  My property is lined with trees on three sides and a neighbor with a pond on the other.  I am humbly grateful each day to have found this location!
   I just stepped outside to spray paint several picture frames.  Yes, it is a bit cold to be painting outdoors in January.  Nevertheless, those few minutes outside were exhilarating.  More so than sitting here, now, at my computer.

My kids built some sort of stone-
henge at our favorite beach,
Cape Lookout

This entire blog post was inspired by a friend's Facebook post which included this important video: Click Here  It is sobering to think what is happening with our current generation and what this means for the future!

This seems like a good time to transcribe a paragraph from a letter written by Mark in September of 1994!  It surfaced during the move. It is printed on a dot matrix printer and still has the paper-feed sides to it.  (We used to be better about writing letters to our families.) The setting is Aloha, OR.  We had just graduated from BYU and moved to the northwest.  Mark is telling everyone about the blackberries, the zoo, and other discoveries.  Then he writes this:

Our neighbor's pond in
Texas is beautiful

One of the best things we have done as a family is sell our TV.  I recommend this to everyone.  We do plan to buy a small portable 13 inch to use as a monitor for watching videos, but feel no urgency to do so.  You may ask how we fill the void of TV.  Well, there is no void, only freedom.  

As we drove away from WA,
one last stop at
Multnomah Falls.

   The lack of TV allows time to read books with the boys or play other games.  Corinne and I also enjoy reading.  For news we listen to the radio during the day.  This is much better because the radio takes time to discuss issues instead of just giving a headline.  I have access to computer databases at work and can print articles from all the major newspapers.  If there is an issue that we want to know more about we have a great information source.  The nicest part of not having a TV is that we have eliminated the negative influence in our home.  We no longer feel obligated to sit and watch all night long.  Instead we go for walks or just sit and talk to each other.  Again, I encourage all of you to move the TV out of the front room and into a closet only to be used occasionally.

I have been thinking, if this
doesn't sell I will have a great
summer vacation home!

In WA we kept this "TV"
under our stairs and pulled
it out to watch movies.

This was obviously before the internet was a part of our lives.  No one would have dreamed of smart phones, especially in the hands of children!  Mark was 28 when he wrote this.  As I read I am encouraged to think of new ways to cut back on technology.
Yesterday I talked with another mom who limits her kids' time with technology.  (It was her Facebook post.)  It is so refreshing, why is it so rare?!
Seriously - if you haven't watched that video... go back and click.

Surgery Photo - Warning

Here are a couple of photos Greg has shared in conjunction with his 5 year anniversary.  They are pretty awful - yet fascinating!

Working as an O.R. nurse (so long ago) helps me - I loved the blood and seeing the body... yet if I look too long and remember that it is my baby... I suddenly join the squeamish!

The tumor photo - ugh!

I have added the photo of the cake - another testament to Greg's fun and positive spirit... he texted it to me last night.  He wanted to get rid of a cake mix, so he made this cake to celebrate with his roommates - the completion of the first week of the semester.

Lucky roommates!

Cancer Leaves Its Mark - & Its a Good One

Greg feigning surprise to
find a tumor on his leg!

Greg's leg today

"Being cheerful is the only way you can get through it."
Today we celebrate the FIVE year anniversary of Greg's surgery in which 10 inches of tibia was removed and replaced with a prosthetic implant.  It was a lifetime ago, and yet happened only yesterday!
To celebrate, Greg has written a blog post for me to share.  After all of Mom's commentary on the subject, it is nice to read Greg's view of his cancer and the impact on his life:

There are moments that can change your life forever. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of those moments. Not only are the next few months instantly scheduled for you in a completely different way, but your life will never be the same. 

An experience like cancer will leave its mark. From my battles I have seen cancers mark on my Body, Mind and Family. 

Body

Scars aren't reminders of when you were weak, but of the times you were stronger than whatever came at you. After intensive surgery and chemotherapy my body will never be the same. There are some physical limitations that prevent me from activities I enjoyed, but also a great excuse to avoid the strenuous and less desirable ones. 

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't been so lucky with my operations and had to have my leg amputated, or live with a colostomy bag for the rest of my life if I would have done it. Would the major changes be worth saving my life? The answer of course is yes. You do what you have to. I'm just glad I got the easy way out and don't have more serious complications. 

Mind

Surviving surgeries and chemo isn't an easy task, but there is a mental strength that comes from knowing that you can do hard things. There is a mental and emotional mark from cancer. Yes it is hard sometimes to keep smiling, hard to accept your “fate” of the disgusting treatments and its side effects, but as with other hard things you survive. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If I survived cancer twice and I'm only 22, then leaving home, going to school, serving a mission, those all become obstacles that I know I can overcome because I have seen my strength and I know that I can do it. There is a mental mark, but it isn't a disability, it's a support beam. 

Family

The final mark cancer leaves is on a family. Obviously there are effects on extra time Mom stays in the hospital instead of being home. There's dealing with a brother who sleeps in the living room and throws up all day. There's the extra presents on Christmas from hospital volunteers. There's the anxiety of going on a mission and leaving behind a sick brother. There are lots of strains that are placed on the family of a sick person. 

The family is different afterwards. Not only do we make jokes about cancer that make strangers stare, but we are drawn closer. I feel that having pulled together and having gone through the experience many times with many family members really helped me to understand why family is important. We have done things others will never do. I feel that as a family we appreciate time we have together. It's a mark for good. If we weren't “the cancer family” we’d probably just be some boring family with a cat. 

But I was looking through a box of “cancer memories” in the attic over Christmas break and the large pile of cards I found reminded me that family is a lot bigger. Extended family, grandparents, friends,  church members, neighbors, acquaintances, doctors, Dad’s coworkers children, my dentist, my old orthodontist, school teachers, and many others had taken the time to think about me, pray for me, and “send their love”. Cancer can affect a community. Those networks of love and concern provided a net that helped support me, encourage me, and make me feel like I wasn't alone. 

Cancer leaves a mark, but it's a mark for good. 

It's the anniversary of my leg surgery (1/11/11) and almost the anniversary of my colon surgery (1/22/15) (yes I try to get them close together on the calendar) and I was thinking how different this year is from last year. Being cheerful is the only way you can get through it. So when I found out last year that I had cancer it was quite a blow. I had already done that I didn't need to be humbled again. So we scheduled it in, dropped some classes, got some work off, and set out to smile our way through. 

The rule in our family is that you get 3 days of sad then you have smile. This year as I think of the exhausting year last year I can only say I am glad I don't have to do anything like that again for a while. My life isn't going to be “easy” from here on out, I know that. But the things I've been through will help me out. 

We can't avoid trials in life, we will all be pushed to our limits, but with faith in God and family surrounding you nothing is impossible. 

I'm glad I'm a cancer survivor. I'm glad it left its mark on me.

Greg Andrus

Scanning and Smiling - Tornado Lessons

   As I drove away from my beloved home in Washington, a very rare tornado hit my little town of Battle Ground!  As a general rule, tornadoes do not happen in Washington.   The sky was very black, there was thunder and that sense of impending "severe weather."  Mark hurried the girls and I out the door, into our van and on our way.  We didn't even have time to be sad.

Tornado in Battle Ground, WA

   Mark and David were staying an extra day so that David could attend school - besides the movers were still there.  David was able to see the tornado from his school window.  It was  good one, toppling trees up to 3 feet in diameter.  As far as I can tell, our van missed it by about two minutes and one mile.
Another historic tornado welcomed us to Texas.  Dallas has never had a tornado in December, but here it was!  Our family sat on our patio that evening watching a beautiful electrical storm.  Our phones suddenly gave us a tornado warning.  We weren't sure what to think of this.  A few minutes later the tornado sirens went off and we decided to go inside - stepping outside occasionally to feel the warm wind and hear the thunder.   ( I really, really enjoy thunder and lightning.)
   I was unpacking boxes in my office when the wind and rain outside became very loud.  I think that this is when the tornado must have hit.  It wasn't until we began to get texts and calls from family and friends checking on our safety that we realized just how close we were and how destructive this category 4 tornado had been.

Finding our niche

   Lesson One - Had we taken these tornado warnings seriously enough?  No.  We do have an area under our stairs which appears to be reinforced and we have left it mostly empty for this type of emergency... but we weren't there.  We have come out of this with an increased realization that we must be better prepared - emergency kits and even more so - all of those important papers that we keep meaning to organize, scan, store in a secure spot, etc.
   Two weeks later we still haven't done these things!  What is it that makes us procrastinate something so important?
   Better lesson - what other warnings do we receive and not act upon?  I am think of personal items - perhaps a warning from a doctor about the need to change certain habits.  Maybe we read a book showing us how to improve a relationship or a talent and we feel those stirrings to follow up on the advice.  Most importantly - what about spiritual warnings that come as a response to our study and prayer?  Do we recognize them and still not act?
I am thinking that to be the type of person I most want to be will mean acting on all of these types of warnings....
   I won't type more about that.  However, I think it would be a healthy use of time to make a list of some of these unheeded warnings - perhaps each day we could check just one of them off.  I know I would feel better and BE better...  Yikes, now I am planning to post this for anyone to read I am feeling much more accountable.   So I will be specific - I will gather, scan and file a stack of important papers.  That will be first on my list.  If I like the way it feels (I know I will), I will come up with another item.

This fireplace and clock
stopped me in my tracks

   Lesson Two - As I walked this morning I enjoyed the quiet time to myself and the peaceful neighborhood.  Suddenly I recalled the sights of last weekend when my family went to help with the cleanup of a home devastated by the tornado.  This neighborhood (of brick homes) in the city of Rowlett was like a war zone.  Tears filled my eyes as we parked and walked to our destination.  Sobered.  That was the word I use to describe my feelings.  That is the same word I heard from many others.
I am often frustrated when I experience the beauty of nature on a hike or at the beach and I want to share it with others.  Photographs never convey the true beauty, probably because it is more than what  our eyes are seeing - I guess beauty is a feeling as well.  It is the whole experience.  Likewise, images on the television cannot duplicate the feelings of walking through this devastation.  We can see and take photos, but the feelings that are there permeate our souls.

Some brick homes are entirely gone!

   As first we didn't really know how to help.  Mark and David found their way into the home and helped salvage personal items to bring outside.  The girls and I helped to pack these items to be taken to a new home.  There were many, many volunteers - all anxious to help.  Each person or group found their niche and together we accomplished a lot.  Young men carried our full boxes to the front yard to be hauled away.  Groups of men came from yard to yard to take large debris and put it onto piles.  A woman (bless her) brought a large bin -house to house- of individually wrapped beef tacos to share.

Taco Break

So, as I walked this morning in peace and reflected on what was happening across the lake I reflected on personal lives.  It was foggy and the homes I passed appeared serene, but I don't know what goes on inside those homes.  People we pass in public are generally well groomed and well mannered, but what is happening in their lives and in their hearts?
   We don't have to search very hard to understand that society is full of personal trial and devastation.  On a brighter note, I also believe there are many, many "volunteers" who are willing to help.  If we get out there amongst our friends, neighbors, family and associates (and even strangers), we can all find our niche - and like the tornado volunteers - we can accomplish a lot.
I propose that the best way to start is with a smile and a kind word.  I also propose that the best place to start is within our own homes.
   Well - this blog post has just spilled out of my mind and has developed a life of its own - prompting me to heed a little warning I have felt... that it is important for me to smile at my family members.

And that is all that I am going to say about this today....  I have to get busy scanning and smiling!

Angels Bearing Boxes

Prayers are answered.
First of all - our great news for a cancer-free Christmas!  Greg's PET scan results finally are back and he is declared 3 months cancer free!!  Such a relief!!

Trying to clean out the panty
I used up all of my flour and
fed the troops for the day!

Now about those angels - Yesterday was a busy day at my house.  My dear friend, Nina, and her daughter drove from Oregon to assist me in packing up my house.  They are - obviously - a few of those angels.  There were more angels who were unanticipated -- almost not recognized for who they truly were.
I begin my day with morning prayer.  Yesterday, in anticipation of packing, I prayed that we would have energy, be able to focus, get a lot done and that all would go smoothly... or something like that.  I had purchased about twenty boxes (in addition to what I already had) from Home Depot to see us through the day.

Three boxes of boxes

We began, we worked hard, and after several hours we had filled almost all of our boxes.  It was early afternoon and I received a text from Sherry - her neighbor had just given her several U-Haul boxes for us!  Hooray - we sent our daughters to retrieve them and kept on working.  This definitely made a difference in what we were able to accomplish.  We took about 20 minutes to eat a quick dinner (we found a half-bag of chips and salsa --- we didn't want to stop to cook - and, uh... we packed the kitchen).  Nina was thinking that they would soon head home when we heard the doorbell.  There stood Aparicia with three boxes full of boxes.  Our excitement was tempered by our realization that we had a few more hours of work ahead of us... but really, as time went on, we were simply in awe of the way that these boxes had appeared just as we needed them.  Aparicia brought it to our attention - when we explained that her boxes were here just in time she said that we obviously has angels looking out for us.  She knew that I needed boxes (which she usually gets me from her work) - but she had none yesterday.  However, she went in to work to attend a CPR class.  As she left the building she saw all of these boxes, sitting and waiting just for us!
We pondered these simple events over the last few hours of the evening.  Nina had arrived at 10:30 a.m. - she left at 8:30 p.m.  We worked for ten hours without stopping and were only able to do so because our sweet friends arrived, unanticipated, with supplies at the moment they were needed.
This is an incredibly obvious answer to my prayer.  As I reflected on those boxes today I realized something else.  Both Sherry and Aparicia had made specific offers of help with packing.  I would not hesitate to call on either of them to do so.  I think it is because their hearts were open to service that they were placed in a position to be able to help in such a way.

We added another 50+ boxes

Boxes.  They may seem a small thing.  It was no small thing.  This is an example of a Tender Mercy from the Lord.  It was a reminder that He cares about all aspects of our life.  It is another reminder to me that our move to Texas is a blessing and that we are being watched over, cared for and protected.  I didn't know to pray for boxes, but I did pray for help.  Boxes on my doorstep reminds me that prayers are answered and we have angels, both seen and unseen, looking after us.