Remember When Summer Plans were Simple?

My heart is so heavy this morning as I ponder two texts that I received within minutes of each other.  Two dear friends of mine have family members with some very serious medical issues and I am feeling weak and helpless.  I know that prayer and faith sustain me - I worry that I am not strong enough at the moment to do all that I can to help sustain them.  Certainly I stopped everything to pray specifically for them to feel strength and peace, and to know what I can do.  I am not exactly at my strongest - my one little goal today was to work with the kids to clean the mudroom, and I knew that would be a good accomplishment... I look forward to times of strength when I have more to give.

I think it was a different Mom who
managed to put these things together!
I think that I would like her, someday
I will be her again!

I have been thinking about this lately - especially since my children have been asking, "Mom, when are you going to give us our summer plan?"
Yikes!  For many years I have had some sort of family plan for the summer - we set goals, fill out charts, earn prizes, etc...  This year my mind is blank.  Summer vacation began this week, so I pulled out our "school year plan" book that I made last fall.  We didn't do very well, so I was hoping that we could just change dates and use it for summer instead - the book I pulled out was Mark's.  His final "journal entry" said, "We got our results from Huntsman [Cancer Institute] today."

Wow - this looks great,
I had better get to work!!

That was mid-November and we have not even made an attempt to use our books since then.  I have neither looked at or even considered them.  This gave me insight into our lives - we haven't been doing as great as we think.  In November we learned about "something unusual in Natalie's brain", and a few things going on with Jackie that have still not addressed (liver, parotid gland).  We got through the holidays and it was the day after Christmas that the doctor called me from his vacation to say that they had somehow overlooked the large spinal tumor.  Sounds horrible, but I was thankful that we had gotten through the holidays without that worry hanging over us.
We simply cannot function well when our load gets heavy.  I am very aware that my load is nowhere near as heavy as others.  Within the last few weeks I have heard of two other young men who have had bone tumors similar to Greg's.  One lost his leg and the other lost his life.  I have heard of a friend's brother who had a chordoma like Jackie, and he passed away within the year.  My friend's daughter had a brain tumor a few months ago that will affect her for the rest of her life - and as I was preparing to leave the hospital I overheard a distraught mother on the phone saying, "I don't know what will happen... they say that it is a quarter the size of her brain."

I was intrigued to see that the
back of last summer's book
matches my blog background.
Life is a Journey!

I can only hope that all of these people have faith in their Savior and hope in his Atonement to give them the strength to which we all have access.
I write that I am feeling weak, and I write that I have strength - sometimes I feel that it is this strength (which is not my own) that gives me the ability to allow myself times of weakness.
Why have we been so blessed to have such positive outcomes so far?  I have believed it is to give my children experience to be strong and help others in their future.  I see that it also gives me empathy that I cannot gain any other way - I can be a more effective friend because of the things that I am learning now.  
One of life's best lessons - things can really seem bad - but we choose our response.  There is so much to be happy about, so much to be grateful for - and the sun will always rise.  Despite knowing that we can be happy - there are times of sorrow and discouragement - I figure these times are a blessing so that we recognize the difference when peace does come - and it takes time.

Sunday - Natalie wanted to go
to church - and we found out
her hair would cover her scar.

Obviously I really like Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and of a good courage - The Lord tells us what to do and then gives us a way to accomplish it.
I find myself writing the same things over and again - this is what is on my mind and they are important lessons... I will write it again, I am sure.

Public invited - Free!

 Natalie's update:  We came home last Thursday afternoon and she began sleeping.  She woke up Sunday morning and announced, "My brain is back!" and suddenly she was normal again.  We have to remind ourselves that she has activity limits and we need to be gentle with her - but she is functioning quite well.  Certainly she tires more easily, but it turns out the doctor was right, I would have been able to send her to school by today.  She is very excited to be attending a three-day youth conference.  There is a medical trailer that is available for her to rest as needed, and she needs to not engage is too much activity, but she is with her friends, learning, doing service projects and best of all - there will be a music festival on Saturday.  She was with the choir that performed several of the songs last fall and she has been incredibly excited about it ever since.  It has been upsetting to her when there have been friends who haven't had good attitudes - then when it looked like she might have to miss it... well, it was sad.  During the hospital stay last week, her one concern (after wanting to see her friends), was whether or not she would be able to participate (and it was looking like she wouldn't) - so this is a happy day!  Watching a performance with over 1,200 youth would brighten anyone's day!  In a society where so much is dark and negative - a perfect brightness of hope is much needed!
We saw our neurosurgeon yesterday.  He was pleased with her wound care. One more week until she can fully immerse her head in water - then six weeks of careful activity.  She can walk and hike now (non-strenuous) and then proceed to light jogging, etc.  No contact sports for three months which is when we will do our follow-up MRI.  Her tumor is called a DNET (Dysembryoplastic neuroepithelial tumor)
 It is benign - but it is usually associated with epilepsy/seizures.  Natalie has never had a seizure, so we are grateful to have it out before symptoms began.  Following her first surgery, the surgeon had told me that the "unusual" tissue he had removed appeared to resemble tissue associated with seizures - during her second surgery, when they removed the tumor, they also removed more of these unusual areas.  I am glad that they are out - perhaps this is why she needed to go twice?  It seems that after the tumor was removed that the pathologist said something about those areas being messed up due to the presence of the tumor (like scar tissue maybe).

I just remembered another "chordoma" story that I learned this spring.  Our neighbors said that their nephew had a chordoma just a few years ago - it had wrapped around his brainstem and was inoperable.  I think that he was 17.  Then... it was gone, completely.  They attribute it to a miracle and so do I.  There is no other explanation.  We go to different churches, but can we say that we are of different faiths?  I don't really believe so.  We pray to the same God and we are all his children.  My sweet niece, Camille,  is in Mexico preparing to serve as a missionary in Houston, TX.  Her most recent letter included this quote from Richard G. Scott regarding prayer, "You are His child! You can trustingly approach Him! He doesn´t care if your feelings are clumsily expressed, you´re His child! He wants to hear from you!¨

Puppies, Paint, Ping Pong & Pain Meds...and pretzels

Elaine Dalton is a marathon runner.  She tells of a time that she was training with her husband and they were running up a hill.  He was quite ahead of her and she knew she couldn't keep his pace, so she called out to him that she was going to go back down --he stopped, came back to her, and reminded her that she must never make decisions while she is going uphill.
Of course this is true because your judgement is impaired by the difficulty and exertion put forth.
As a family currently on an uphill course... here are a few decisions we have made lately...
Puppies:  Yes, there is a new puppy at our house.  We have been thinking of this for over a year, particularly the children.  We told them we would have to wait until summer because they needed to be home.... it just happens that we found a "good fit" on the same week that we had a couple of brain surgeries.  My sweet friend was here yesterday and just laughed because their family is also up to their eyeballs in serious medical situations - and yet they just got a puppy also.  "What are they thinking?" we both asked ourselves about the other family... together we determined that it is sometimes important to bring a little spark of joy/change to the home.  Something fresh to occupy our minds and our time (without dressing up and being in public).  Anyway, our little addition is named Shelby after Natalie's favorite PICU nurse.  (Should we tell her???)

... craving homemade pretzels

Paint:  I finally just went and bought a gallon of paint yesterday.  Natalie was stir crazy in the house and so I took her for a ride.  We went to a small paint store so that she could go inside and just like that I finally made a decision for my new family room wall color.  I have been looking at swatches for over a year and recently there have been smatterings of paint samples on different walls.  It is strange for me to take so long - I have a variety of colors all over my house and I can usually get the idea, find the paint and have it done in a short time... This has gone on and on - but something about having our minds emptied by being in the hospital must suddenly leave enough room for difficult decisions to be resolved.  Now I just need to find the energy to get it on the walls (or the charm to have Mark get it on the walls).
Ping Pong:  Another surprising decision.  Natalie has been sleeping up to 17 hours at night.  When she comes down she is more alert everyday, but we are still taking it easy.  Though we usually don't have to whisper anymore -  household noises such as crumpling paper, unloading the dishwasher, walking across the room... still bother her off and on.  Yesterday, after our excursion to the paint store, she determined that she wanted to play a game.  I found a quiet game for us to play which bored her after about thirty seconds.  She decided that she wanted to play ping pong... yeah, right.  That will be a nice, quiet thing to do.  Well, we did it - with that little ball ricocheting about the room - the noise didn't bother her at all and it was therapeutic for mom also.  While we were playing she said, "Mom, blog about this and call it puppies, ping pong and pain meds!"  She was excited to be up and about.  I threw in the part about paint.

... anxious to be
back to normal...

Pain Meds:  What about pain meds?  We are not seeing too many of those lately.  Natalie has taken only Tylenol for a couple days now, and only once in awhile.  They also had her on a tapering-off of steroids so she is done with those today.  I thought that we would have a little pain-med-emergency last night... Natalie and I were sitting on the couch together and it was time for family prayer.  I slipped off the couch and down onto my knees.  After prayer, I slipped back onto the couch, fully unaware that Natalie had laid down and her head was now on my seat!  Yes, small nightmare, I sat on my daughter-recovering-from-brain-surgery's head!  Luckily I was just sliding back onto the couch... but I don't think I have ever sat on anyone's head before... strange time to begin.  She hurt and I think I hurt worse... until she started giggling at the absurdity of it.  I still held her for a long time.
Tylenol has also been sufficient pain medicine for my Jackie.  She is recovering from her wisdom teeth extraction.  She took it easy on Friday but was up and alert at 5:00 a.m. on Saturday to go to an early morning temple trip followed by regional choir practice.  My kids are so strong!
Natalie has been hoping for a couple days to be able to go to church today.  We all think that there would be too much commotion for her, but she talked us into letting her go to her Young Women meeting.  She was awake for several hours last night - so I thought she might sleep through church.  The rest of the family left and there she was out of bed.  She said she didn't sleep in the night because her brain woke up and wanted to stay awake.   She played with Shelby and showered on her own.  We are seeing great progress - it may be tough to keep her calm for six weeks.
Natalie asked me how it feels to not be growing tumors all the time.  I told her that a mom grows them along with her kids (and husband)... this puts me ahead of all of them.  She wasn't convinced, but all moms would know what I am talking about!

Laughter, the Best Medicine

We are back to whispering, but for the past few hours we witnessed such a transformation.  I have been very encouraged.
Natalie was, of course, not pleased to be staying in the hospital another night.  She was also beginning to think of all of the things she would be missing in the next few weeks because she could not be around any noise - even the ride home in a car was daunting because "cars can be so noisy".  In her discouragement she began to wonder why no one had come to visit???  I assured her that, not only was it still a school day for everyone else, she had just had back-to-back brain surgery and that is not really an open invitation to drop by.
As she drifted off to sleep I emailed my friend, Nina, to let her know she was welcome to come and bring Kandra (a good friend of Natalie's since birth who lives here in Oregon).  The hospital is between our two homes.  Natalie beamed when I told her, but worried because the girls like to laugh together and, just hours before, laughter had caused a great deal of pain.

She cannot see her scar in the
mirror so we had to take a photo.
She will be proud of this one!

Kandra came prepared to sit quietly beside Natalie and write notes back and forth.  Nina took me for a much-needed walk and when we returned... there sat Natalie and Kandra...laughing of course.  Apparently is was worth the pain that it was causing - the more it hurt the more funny it was.  We were quietly whispering on the parent bed/couch while the girls whispered and then...giggles and laughter.  As time went on and pain meds kicked in, the noise level rose to almost normal levels.  Our nurse was able to get Natalie out of bed without much trouble and said that she thought Natalie would be ready to go walk soon.  Natalie jumped at the chance and we all went walking - much farther than anticipated.  I was dumbfounded.  Her color was back and she was not at all the frail child I had been tiptoeing around all morning.  Night and day difference - Hooray!

We shall never know all the good that
a simple smile can do.  Mother Teresa

Eventually the pain meds wore off and she quieted down, but not like before.  I think she got a glimpse of recovery and has hope that things may return to normal again.  We are finally out of PICU and up on the neuro-surgical floor.  It is very quiet, we have a solid wood door, she can see out the window, her bed is more comfortable, vitals are only taken every 4 hours and... we have our own shower.  Our unit is 10 North - our old oncology unit was 10 South and this is just a mirror image. When the family came to visit everyone felt right at home. It took no time at all before the other children were in the family lounge making hot chocolate - an old favorite pasttime.  We shouldn't be so comfortable/familiar here... When we arrived at Doernbecher on Monday morning, Mark used some of the hospital hand sanitizer.  Natalie said that she liked the smell... it seems so "homey".  Hmmmm - well, way back when Mark and I realized what a long haul it would be as we fought Greg's cancer - we had determined that we would make it an adventure for the family... as positive as it could be.  I guess we were successful.  This is, however, an adventure I am not anxious to repeat too soon.
Tonight - she ate a little dinner, a piece of cheesecake and some pizza brought from home. She dozed for awhile, then did three laps around the unit, back to bed and (even with company here) feel immediately asleep.  Poor girl is completely exhausted.  She hasn't budged for over an hour - I think she will sleep very well tonight... and surely she will be in her own bed tomorrow.

A QUIET Morning in PICU

It seems that staying an extra night in the hospital is more discouraging than undergoing an extra brain surgery.  Natalie is not at all pleased with the prospect of another night here, though we will be up on the floor rather than the PICU.  I think it will be better than she thinks - here they have to wake her up every hour through the night and there is a pole between her and the window so that her bed actually faces away from it.
She cannot go home because she has not yet been out of bed and is not eating well yet.  So far she has managed 7 Saltine crackers, 1.5 apple juice containers, half an oreo and a Reeses peanut butter cup.  I just ordered her a variety of soft food for breakfast.  None of it sounded good to her, but we shall see...
The pain in her head is seriously exacerbated by noise... any noise.  We all must whisper - and only for a very short time.  Natalie lays quite still.  She whispers very quietly and only if she must.  We keep her door shut, but the voices in the hall are also painful.  This morning a resident popped in to do a neuro check - she is the only one that has placed her hand on the side of Natalie's head and asked her to push against it... she hadn't thought through the fact that there is an incision/tenderness running down the side of her head.  About an hour later Natalie whispered to me, "That Asian lady hurt my head..(long pause)...but I am not mad at her."
The other thing that hurts is to smile - there hasn't been much risk of that, until this morning.  She has a darling nurse who cannot help but be funny.  The three of us were having a pretty good laugh at various aspects of hospital/nursing care today... all trying to whisper-laugh while poor Natalie tried to support the pain in the side of her head.  It was one of those fun times when you just keep laughing at the fact that you are all laughing.  I found it quite therapeutic and I think Natalie did also, though it was painful.  She has subsequently needed more pain meds than usual, but I think it was worth it.
Natalie has charmed her nurses with her politeness, particularly when groggy.  Natalie was barely talking when her night nurse came on shift - the same on as the night before.  She was doing the neuro check and asking a lot of questions because Natalie kept saying that David was Nathan (David is getting tall).   The nurse asked if Natalie remembered her - she said, "Yes, you are Shelby, you are my best friend."  She had labeled her as the best friend because Shelby had taken out several of her "lines" the night before.
The MRI last night confirmed that the second surgery was successful.  Preliminary pathology reports list the tumor as benign and we will have final reports next week (I think).  Hooray!

2011 - Bossier Than Cancer
(Missing Nathan in the Philippines)

A few hours have passed and Natalie has begun to eat - a pudding, a bowl of strawberries and a yogurt parfait.  They disconnected her IV to encourage her to drink.  The pain meds have kicked in and she is more pleasant - currently watching I Love Lucy.  We are still whispering.

Alone - But Not For Long -

Yesterday I had Jackie and Mark to keep me company during surgery.  We ate lunch together and then sat together in the waiting room on chairs that are only comfortable for about 45 minutes.  Today I am on my own - I discovered the PICU public shower rooms, ate lunch alone with my book and now have my own private room in which to wait.   It probably isn't quite right to feel so at home here - but it is essentially the same bed and the same view I had while Greg lived here.  The window etchings on the 10th floor deal with sea life and these all have to do with trees.  The oncology unit also has individual showers in each room.  Nice perk, but after Natalie's nausea last night, I am reminded how very much I pray that this tumor is benign.  Sitting with a child undergoing (suffering through) chemotherapy is hard.   

There is, however, something special about caring for my child in a hospital.  Much like getting up with a newborn baby night after night - it is not my number one choice of activities, but it is a special time.  I am so glad that I can be here with Natalie.  I am more aware of all of this because of the quilt that is here on the bed.  I am recently acquainted with an incredibly sweet woman.  She made this quilt and gave it to me in anticipation of Natalie's hospitalization.  She has been a mother-in-the-hospital much more often than I have and reached out to me during Jackie's surgery - particularly in regard to angels watching over us.  She knows what she is talking about - and on this quilt there are angels, with words such as Guard, Protect, Guide & Shelter.  Her card said that she wanted to make sure that I would never again be cold as I nurtured my children in the hospital.  (In reference to the cold and uncomfortable ICU stay with Jackie -- Doernbecher is much better for parents.)  I thought that was a beautiful sentiment and I am happy to report that as I slept last night, I was very aware of angels, seen and unseen, that are watching over our family.

I just had a nice surprise as Bob, a longtime family friend, dropped by our room.  His son had an appointment at Doernbecher today.  What a nice break to have some conversation - I was glad he came and we laughed and agreed that Natalie would be glad she missed him.  Good timing.

I have otherwise been alone with my thoughts --as I blogged this morning I was wondering why?  Not why like "why me?" or "why us?"  Just contemplating - I wonder what the significance of all of this will be.  It seems unusual - whose life will be touched?  

On Sunday I was trying to distract myself and write about some seemingly random high school events - a boy I didn't like saying words I didn't like; and a boy I liked saying words I liked - both had such a positive effect on my life to this day!  Neither of them know, but I do.  So how often do we interact with people, have a positive effect, and never know?  The events of today changed our plans, but also the plans of many others - there may be a ripple effect that we will never know.  

In March, Jackie's surgery was postponed after two hours in surgery by the emergency resuscitation event and the doctors'unanimous decision that they all needed to begin fresh in two days.  The doctors expressed gratitude  to us then (as well as at post-op visits) for our calm support of their decision.  Apparently this had happened before but the family had been very upset.  Maybe our calm response can help them deal with future situations... who knows?  I know how that event touched us deeply - but I think that there were ripples also. 

Ok - Dr. Selden just came in.  He said that they are closing the wound and all went great.  Definite tumor tissue and it has been looked at by their top pathologist who said it looks like a low grade tumor.  He said they are thinking it is just a ----- (I thought I caught the name but when I tried to look it up, it didn't exist).  That's ok, it is all so preliminary that I should not be reporting such details. They are still wondering about the unusual cortex that surrounds the tumor.  I asked about the part of the brain that that was removed yesterday - he said it would have come out anyway because it was on the path to the tumor, they simply didn't go deep enough.  He said it was unusual and even if the computer had been correct, he would have sent that tissue to pathology.  

Dr. Selden also reported that when they started the computer once again showed that the tumor should be gone - somehow her brain "sagged" and so the readings are off.  He was essentially on his own but since the latest MRI showed the "path" taken yesterday as well as the tumor, he was able to go right to it.  This has been an unusual and frustrating case for him. Yet somehow it has been important to more than one person involved --but how???  This is what I'm talking about...

 I wonder what we would all find out about our brains if someone went digging around in there?  For the past couple of years I have been thinking that if I could start my schooling/career again I would like to have focused on brain research (especially if I were born 20 years later).  However, what about all of those positive experiences that I had as a surgical nurse?  Those friends made in nursing school?  The effect that my career has had on my family and in other situations... So, I guess I would not want to change.  Even when I consider poor decisions that I have made - I usually don't want to change them because I am grateful for lessons learned from them --- this is what I am talking about ...

Life intrigues me.

Now I will put this away so that I can be ready for Natalie to return. She had a bad experience yesterday when I stepped out of PICU (no cell phones allowed) to call home and she couldn't reach the call light.  She has requested that I stay very near and accessible - good time to put away the computer.

Groundhog Day

"Has Natalie had anything to eat or drink this morning?"
One of the doctors popped his head in this morning to inquire after Natalie's nutritional intake.  She has not been able to keep any food down - with the exception of two crackers last night.  I informed him of her status and he said, "Ok, make sure she doesn't eat or drink anything and I will be back to talk to you."

As he left I realized what this might mean.... 

Here we go again!

It was confirmed when Dr. Selden came to greet me a few minutes afterward.  He asked about Natalie and then asked me to come with him to look at her MRI scans that we had done at midnight last night.  Sure enough, there is her tumor - turns out they had only skimmed the edges.  No wonder the area around it looked abnormal.  He had talked to us about this risk - but in the 14 years as Chief of Pediatric Neurosurgery this has never happened.  Apparently her brain shifted (I cannot recall the word that he used.)  He also told me about his hard hat and shovel that he has ready for a groundbreaking this week as our Doernbecher Hospital becomes the only facility north of Los Angeles and East of Ann Arbor, MI to have an interoperative MRI for pediatric neurosurgery.  Natalie's surgery was just too early to take advantage of that...
So she is headed back to surgery today.  We will either go in a couple hours as second case, or this afternoon as third...  the scheduled second case child has a fever so they may have to wait.  Through the night I worried about her nausea, but it has turned out to be a blessing - her body is ready for surgery.  Today will be easier and shorter - we are very fortunate that we are not coming back in a couple of weeks.  Today they need only pop open the stitches and the bone plug - no scar tissue has developed and they will be able to get right where they need to be.  Her anesthetic will be lighter and they should not have to use an arterial line today.  When Natalie heard the news about surgery she accepted it gracefully and managed a smile when she heard they could proceed without an arterial line - she was so pleased when it came out last night.
We will be back in PICU tonight, but with the light anesthetic they are still hopeful to send us home tomorrow.
How strange that both of my daughters have had to do back-to-back surgeries for such unusual reasons.
In the movie, Groundhog Day, the hero learns to take advantage of his time to learn new things and develop new talents... I wonder what I am supposed to be learning and developing during my extra time?

Yesterday they marked the surgical site

I don't think they can miss it today!

Awake and Responding to Commands...

It is 3:20 - Natalie is still in surgery - they called us about an hour ago and told us to expect another hour.  I have been well distracted by remembering that Jackie needs to register for classes tomorrow.  When Nathan was a freshman we forgot to register and he ended up with classes like Ancient Greek - yikes.  It took us quite awhile to log in because we couldn't remember her password and didn't want to change it - our home computers have it "memorized" - I know how to help navigate the BYU website but we are still figuring out the BYUI registration process....
I forgot to mention earlier that Dr. Selden felt that her tumor had "plumped up" a bit.  The radiologist, however, felt that the measurements were the same as last time.  We are all hoping that the radiologist is correct.  Dr. Selden said he was secretly hoping that it would show shrinkage and therefore not even be a tumor - that didn't happen.
I am now going to go back to helping Jackie with her class schedule - suddenly writing about Natalie is bringing O.R. images that I would rather not have...

4:10 - still in surgery.  The color code chart has changed from green to yellow which means that they are "nearing completion"
I am thinking that all four children will be missing tonight's piano recital.  Mark thought he and Jackie would be on their way home by now.  The other children took their piano books and nice clothes to their friends' house in preparation.  I am afraid that we have not done well in our piano practice lately, so their teacher may just be as relieved as the children!
Let's see... this morning they asked Natalie to fill out a questionnaire for her chart so that her caregivers to know her better.  Here are a few of the questions with her answers:
I am comforted by:   Positive attitudes!
Things I like to talk about:  Anything to makes me smile
When I am anxious or upset, this is what helps:  You NOT being anxious or upset
When I am hurting, this is what I do or words I say: ...ouch...it hurts??
The most important thing to me (or my family) today is:  me not dying
That about wraps it all up...
...It is 4:24...
4:30 - Dr. Selden just came.  Natalie is waking up and responding to commands.  He said that what he was seeing through microscope corresponded with the computer readings so he is confident that they got it all.  He definitely saw tissue that was abnormal compared to the surrounding cortex.  He also took some of the cortex that he felt was not quite normal.  The frozen section didn't tell them much, he hadn't expected it to.  He said that if the lab doesn't have conclusive findings he will have it sent to San Francisco, or wherever he feels that there is a Li Fraumeni specialist that can look at it more closely. If she is eating well she will be able to go home tomorrow.  We are just waiting for a chance to be called to recovery to see her...

Brain Surgery Begins!

We were allowed to accompany Natalie to the "kissing corner" - her bed went through one door and we turned and found our way back to the waiting room.  They asked that one parent remain, but we decided she would be fine in the beginning so we all left to grab some lunch.  Luckily we had smuggled in some fruit to eat while she had her MRI - she was none the wiser and we had a little breakfast...

Natalie and Jackie
Reenacted today at the Kissing Corner

I just received a call from the O.R. nurse letting us know that all is well and she is on schedule to be done around 2:00.  They took her at 11:30.  We also had a few more details from the surgeon.  He is pretty determined to shave a strip of hair... so the hoped for "braiding tightly" may not happen.  That is fine.  Battle wounds are cool.  He initially told her they would be needing to shave all of her hair, so the strip of hair sounded pretty good (he was kidding).   They will make a hole in her skull  about the size of a silver dollar - maybe 1.5 inches diameter. Dr. Selden explained to Natalie that this is where they would be placing the computer chip and that her parents would be given the remote control... kidding again.  Funny how confusion and amusement can come in such quick succession.   He will thread his micro-instruments into her brain following the instructions from the "virtual Natalie".  He said it would take about 5 seconds in a wood shop, but 10-15 in a brain.  He is amazed and pleased that her tumor is located almost exactly in the spot that he goes to routinely in surgeries to treat epilepsy - about 2/3 of the route in to the hippocampus.  This makes everything easy for him and for her - knowing that helped me.
I do not remember the name of the part of the surgical bed that holds the head of craniotomy patients and had not mentioned it to Natalie, but he told her to expect some little spots of blood where it holds her.  That was one part of neurosurgery that used to turn my stomach a bit - she didn't flinch.  He also explained that he was being serious this time - she still didn't flinch. Brave girl.
My sweet sister just left.  When they realized Natalie would be coming home sooner than later she decided to bring a care package during surgery.  Now I am sitting next to a gift bag laden with Reeses Peanut Butter Goodies - and I am being a good mother and not snitching....
While I am awaiting further news I will record some of our other medical adventures lately...
Both girls recently went for their annual dermatology exam.  Jackie had one suspicious mole removed and it is benign.  There are three to remove on Natalie but we are waiting until after this surgery.  She will do that on her way to her post-op visit next week.  On Friday Jackie is having her wisdom teeth removed.  During her visit with the oral surgeon a couple weeks ago he had several questions about her recent surgery.  As that story unfolded we mentioned Natalie's surgery.  He finally looked at us and said, "Well, this would all explain you both acting like your oral surgery is no big deal."  We laughed, we hadn't thought of it as a big deal at all.  We were just thinking that both sisters could have a recovery weekend together.  That's it for June - more coming in July but we will think about that when it is time.
I just have to say that we are having a nice day.  It is a beautiful miracle that we can be sitting here and not have a worry in our minds.  This peace can only be the result of the prayers of our friends and family and we are so very grateful.  I do not know how it works, but I want it to be known that prayers are answered!  I know that if our little family here in the waiting room is being blessed with peace -  then down the hall, past the kissing corner and through the O.R. doors Dr. Selden and Natalie are also being watched over and blessed.  We have so much for which to be grateful!!
And now... I may have to have one of those Reeses...

Waiting...

Yesterday we were feeling stress - that heaviness that feels like the first day of school.  It actually grew worse as the week wore on - we spent the afternoon trying to distract ourselves, so the day turned out quite well.  Last night after prayers and a blessing we felt much better.  In fact, we packed and went to bed like normal... a bit too much like normal because we didn't even set an alarm!  What a relief that we are used to waking up at 0530!  We hurried and got out the door on time - traffic wasn't bad and we arrived 20 minutes early.  They were ready for her in MRI so they took her early... things were moving right along... and now here we still are.  Our 0930 start time isn't going to happen.  The case before her is going long - she doesn't even have an IV yet, so hurry up and wait.
We were taken to MRI by the Navigation Guy (I don't remember his title).  He explained that it is a short (10 minute) MRI which will feed the computer all of Natalie's measurement and create a "virtual Natalie".  He will be in charge of navigation and will guide Dr. Selden through the real Natalie via the virtual Natalie.  Pretty cool.
This is our first time to have surgery through the pediatric hospital.  Greg came here for some minor procedures, but otherwise the kids have gone through OHSU.  This is nice - when Jackie and Greg had surgery they had to get permission to let both parents come to the waiting area.  Here they have plenty of chairs so that even Jackie (who will hang out with us today) is allowed back.  They also have numbing cream on both of Natalie's hands and arms so that they can draw blood and start an IV with no pain, not even a lidocaine shot. CHAP is in the waiting area until noon so that we can make a beading project when we go back out (unless we are still waiting back here until then). We did have a good giggle when she turned on her television.  (see photo)

Before the MRI we were watching Toy Story II in the waiting room.  When we came back the sound wasn't working, but we watched the end of it.  It looked like it was going to be starting over and Natalie wasn't looking forward to looking at it again.  I turned to her and told her that it could be worse... we never liked check-in days on the oncology ward when they played Shrek. She laughed and as I turned around... there on the screen... Shrek appeared. Ugh - luckily there was no sound.
IV is started.  Should be about 45 minutes....  We are happy, peaceful, and having a nice morning.  Now worries!

  l.

Sporty, Strong & Spiritual

Packing for the hospital... an activity that takes more thought than it would seem.  Back in the chemo days... we always took our memory foam mattress to lay on top of the parent's bed.  It always sat ready by the back door, and I bought two of all toiletries so that I didn't have to pack them each week.  One of the worst things that could happen to a parent in those days was to forget a toothbrush and have to use the complimentary hospital toothbrush - wow, what a difference a toothbrush can make!

Overlooking the Columbia River Gorge
Our numbers were small today!

Anyway, I am working at not packing, and not thinking about tomorrow's surgery.  Instead, I am going to blog about hiking; one hike in particular.   Later in the summer our Young Women will be going on a three day backpack trip.  (My one night of backpacking last year seems to have qualified me to be on the planning committee along with some fine young women.)  We have been going on a series of practice hikes; last week we wanted to spruce it up a bit and here is how it went:

Our yellow ribbons

The hike was planned - we were going to meet at 7 a.m. and drive up the Columbia River Gorge to Wahkeena Falls.  None of the adults had completed this hike.  Our committee had the fun idea to make it a scavenger hunt... this is hard to plan without knowing the trail.  Therefore, the night before I drove up with Natalie and her friend, Laura.  We hiked the 5 mile trail, made our plan and came home to quickly put it all together.   They had allowed my input on the trail but when it came right down to it, they wanted to do it on their own.  I was not allowed to see what they were typing and was given my own set of instructions.  They did a great job.  The next morning they got a 20 minute head start to "plant" their signs and clues along the way.
The trail is steep - judging by MY fatigue the night before, they chose the stopping points.  Here they would place a yellow ribbon into the ground with the rule that the girls must stop here, wait for everyone to catch up, and then I would read them a clue.  They knew that I would be bringing up the rear...  There were a total of 15 stops.  I want to type in a few of those stops because I was touched by the words that I read that morning and want to share them.

Stop #3 - this was at a sign marking an unused trail called "Perdition".  I told them it must have been a "hellish" trail, so here is part of their "clue":  Think about what you are doing when you make a bad decision...Be careful, Satan will slowly tighten his grasp on you.  He will do it slowly, maybe it's a song or a TV show, you know what tempts you.  Don't let him tempt you, you have the upper hand.  Yeah, you all pretty awesome... we love you but would like  you to think before you act. Is that one sit worth it...truly worth it?  And now for the candy... (they found Hot Tamales hidden in a tree.)

Wahkeena Creek tumbles down the
mountain - gorgeous scenery!

Stop #5 - Here someone had to do the Hokey Pokey (who then became trail leader), and the final reach of the hand revealed a bag full of $ Store sheriff badges with this note:  My dear sisters, in this world we live in we must protect our rights.  We must protect our values.  Much like the sheriffs did in the wild wild west.  Stand for Truth and Righteousness!  Let you light so shine before men!  If you refuse to wear this, the repentance rope will welcome you into its fold.  Carry On!  (The repentance rope was included to be used in case someone broke a rule or complained - they would have to be tethered to a leader at the back of the group... no one needed it).

This is only .25 miles.
Worth the walk.

Stop #9 - When we were doing this hike yesterday, this is where Mom felt like a break - we're sure you do too.  Now look at the ground.  Roots everywhere!  We have a question for you... do you know what your great-great-great grandmother's name is?  If you do... good for you, but if you don't you might want to find out, because this woman lived.  She had trials and she had to make choices... What if she decided that kids weren't worth it, or she just couldn't make it through this life?  Her decisions affected you, she planted roots.  And like her, decisions you make will plant seeds whether you know it or not.  Are your seeds good or bad?  If you don't think you're worth it then think about them up in heaven rooting for you.   They want you to succeed.  And so do we!!! (They found Sour Patch Kids candy.)

Life is like waterfall!

Stop #10 - This was a beautiful waterfall and we asked for impromptu devotional thoughts on the theme of water.  The girls were able to think of some nice thoughts, particularly after Bishop Anderson shared these thoughts... he said that life was like the waterfall.  As we tumble we hit the rocks and it might seem painful, but these are the things that purify us and make us beautiful.

Those were my favorite notes.  Our overall hiking experience this summer has the theme of "Courage... for such a time as this" (from Esther).  Other stops included riddles and quotes, "I am born in fear, raised in truth and I come to my own in deed.  When comes a time that I am called forth, I come to serve the cause of need.  What am I?"  Of course, the answer is courage.    Courage is like a muscle, it is strengthened by use.  / Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway (John Wayne).  We stopped at a trail intersection to find plastic Easter eggs full of candy hidden about.  There were a few designated group photo spots.  Our final clue was a box that we could not open until we reached the summit - in it we found party hats/favors for a surprise birthday party.  Andrea's birthday was earlier in the week and Bishop Anderson's was that day.

Bishop got funny looks -
bringing up the rear
with a sheriff badge!

We then took the wrong trail and got back to our cars sooner than expected.  A little bit embarrassing, but nice to be done early - kept our day on a good schedule.  Cold watermelon at the cars finished the adventure...

Andrea collected ribbons

Here are few personal lessons that I learned.  First of all, I was so pleased to get to each stop and pull out such thoughtful and fun tasks/notes.  This showed me that my sweet daughter is not only listening, she is learning to teach others.  I would have never been able to pull this off at this age!!  The next lesson was also valuable - I had spent the week praying about this hike and how to pull off a scavenger hunt.  No ideas had come to me and I was getting worried.  (I didn't even tell our other youth leader our plan until after I had done the pre-hike the night before because I couldn't see how it was going to work.)  The great thing is, theideas didn't come to me, they came to Natalie and Laura.  This was an experience that was meant for them.  My job was to provide the venture, and hike up and down that mountain a couple times.

Laura & Natalie
Job well done!

Good lessons.  Good girls.
Natalie just came in to read over pre-op instructions.  She is treating brain surgery as an adventure and we are all benefiting from her positive attitude.  She is a strong spirit who will be made stronger.  I am proud to be her mother.

We will report to the hospital at 7:30 for her 8:00 MRI.  Surgery should begin around 9:30 and last about three hours.  One night in ICU.  One or two nights on the regular floor and then home.  My plan is to be home by Wednesday - and wait for the news that her tumor is benign....

Jackie Graduates, Mom Reminisces

Jackie graduated last week.  She is leaving a year earlier than planned - she took a full year of college classes which counted as two years of high school, so she will be leaving in the fall.  When Nathan went to college I felt like my heart was being torn right out of my body.  It was hard to leave at college Greg after being his hospital roommate for almost a year.  Now here goes number three and it does not get much easier - this is my first daughter to leave and I am finding it to be a whole new experience.  Daughters are special friends, especially after they have surgery and do online school for months - I rather like having her around!
Despite the sadness of the children leaving -- each time I have found that we all adjust quickly and their lives just continue to get better.  I love watching them have positive adult experiences, and I enjoy the change in our parent-child relationships.

Lori, Tom, Me
Mom & Dad

My older brother also visited last week - he came from Seattle for our little family graduation party.  We had some time alone together and enjoyed reminiscing about our own high school years.  We went to a small high school in a small town - Hayden, CO.  Most people we grew up with had lived there all of their lives and several still do.  We didn't really ever feel that we fit in, but we did have good experiences.  The amazing thing is how we both have strong feelings of friendship for those people.  He has much more contact with them than I do, but I often find myself wondering
 where they are and what they are doing.
Why does high school still have an effect on my life?  Is it because we had such a small school so that everyone knew everyone else?  Is it just the time of life - such formative years?  Maybe it is just my tendency to think too much - it started young.  Most likely none of them remember that I was there - but I am grateful when I think of the positive impact those years had on my life.

With Jennifer - a good friend made
better by having a snowmobile
in a town with lots of snow!

I had a best friend named Jennifer.  We were more like sisters - always together and sharing everything.  Not many girls are so blessed as I was to have a friend like this.  Together we were cheerleaders, did drama club, wore matching "Braces are Beautiful" t-shirts and both went on foreign exchange experiences.  She came to my church activities and even went on vacation with my family more than once.  She was more outgoing than I was and I observed her to learn leadership skills.  She had a car and her dad paid for her gas.  Mostly we had a lot of fun - great memories.
Most of my guy-friends were not only athletic, they were smart.  This meant I could enjoy being in AP classes which were small and had a higher male-female ratio.  A nice perk in high school.  Academic competition with them as well as a few girlfriends kept me on my toes and certainly contributed to success in college.  Haha - I only thought of it as competition when one of the girls announced to me that she was out to beat me in a particular class - she didn't.  Also... after Scott was the 8th grade valedictorian and I was salutatorian... I decided our roles would be reversed in high school - and they were...barely.  He was so nice, he probably never even thought about it.

Haha - Scott and I both received
an Elks Scholarship.

I often wonder if I was nice enough...
There are two incidences that stand out to me as having a positive influence.  The first one wasn't really in high school, but rather during those Hayden years.  (Since no one really moved in or out of town, the years and the people can all blur together.)  It was also not a positive experience, just a positive outcome:
My children still laugh at the memory of me telling them, "This is the spot where I said a bad word."  It was in Riverton, WY - just down the street from where I got off the bus in 6th grade.  There on the driveway of our home was another spot... and, well, that is about it.  I have plenty of weaknesses to work through - but, thankfully, vulgar language is not one of them.  I didn't like the way it felt then... and to solidify those feelings... I was not happy about moving to Hayden.  During Social Studies there was not a desk for me and I had to lean against the back counter (just one day).  As the new girl in 7th grade there was naturally some curiosity and more attention than I was comfortable with; and some of that attention was coming my way from the boys in the back of the room.  They became inappropriate and I found it repulsive - later that day I overheard one of those boys swearing and I vowed to never be like them.  Whereas in sixth grade I may have allowed those words to enter my mind, if not my mouth - my new resolve to not be like "Hayden-kids" helped me to keep not just my mouth, but also my thoughts, clean.  I was never friends with those two boys, but as I did become friends with other Hayden-kids I appreciated that, for the most part, they respected my decision and kept their language clean.  Hmmm - I can still see my 7th grade locker and hear that boy swearing.  I am so glad that he did.

Jenn, Me, Angie, Teresa
Our uniforms don't match because
Shannon's burned in a house fire. 

(Unfortunately it was many years later before I realized that there are many ways to tame one's tongue, and for me sarcasm was still a challenge.  I hope that I didn't hurt too many feelings - it was never intended.)
My second incident also involves a young man and something that he said to me.  I simply cannot recall the details - but his words echo in my mind quite often.  Unlike the first two boys, this young man was very nice.  He and I dated while we were Juniors.  He had a very nice mother and a younger brother.  I cannot recall meeting his father because he worked nights and slept during the day.  One day we were discussing life and I said something like, "Why doesn't so-and-so just do thus-and-such?"  He stopped me - looked directly at me and said, "Don't you realize that not all families are like yours?"  This sounds so simple, but to me it was profound.  It was as though this one moment in time  jolted my naiveté and started me on the path to more adult emotions - taking me from I-am-a-teenager-and-cannot-see-beyond-myself to what-can-I-do-to-make-all-of-these-people-around-me-have-a-better-life?  (I still have along way to go on that path.)  I did come from an exceptionally nice family - but as soon as this was pointed out to me, I became humbly grateful for them and aware that where much is given, much is required!
Well, so much for my jaunt down memory lane - there are so many lessons for us to learn in life.  As I have been typing I have been thinking about these two experiences and here is what I have come up with:  Because I had begun to pray in earnest during sixth grade, I had opened my life to promptings by the Holy Ghost.  I can now see that these incidents were turning points - the words of others striking my spirit in such a way that I was forever changed.  I was asking for help to be a better person, and I was put onto a path with those who helped me along the way.

Mark - Best Dad Ever!!

I do love my life.  I love all of those people who have been an influence to me.  I really, really love those six fine people I am currently raising... I hope that I am helping to lead them along the correct paths so they can continue on as they leave "the nest" ... and I really, really, really love my favorite young man of all.  My path was truly illuminated the day we began our journey together.  He has a positive influence on me every day and I am forever grateful for his love!  Today is Fathers Day and I can hear him --the kids woke him up from his after-church-rest... I have heard them discussing dog names (for the inevitable new dog coming our way soon...), sampling Kimberly's cookies, and I believe that he is now playing ping pong with one while the others are plotting to include him in a game of Risk.  How blessed I am to have him alongside me as we teach, train and love our little family.  I do love my life!

Musical Messages for Mom

When you walk through the storm, hold your head up high.
 This song was on my radio this morning as I drove home from school in a torrential rainstorm.  I tried it... Sitting up straight really can change your perspective.
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
Seriously - I love that golden sky.  Sometimes living in the Northwest it seems that the sun will never again be seen.  It often seems that way when we are in the middle of a trial - especially when it seems to be so open-ended.  We know that it will pass and time will heal us, but we cannot control that timing it can be frustrating.  That is when the next lines kick in:
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
This morning I dressed in my exercise clothes with the intent to go walking.  The rain was heavy enough to cancel those plans and here I am at my computer instead.  When we are having a hard time we cannot just cancel our trial and move on to other activities.  We have to just keep on walking.  People wonder how we can handle our children's situation with their tendency to grow tumors.   We have to walk on.  I marvel at the trials I see friends and family facing each day - they have to walk on.
To stop walking is to stop hoping, and that is a frightening prospect.
Walk on, walk on with a hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never, ever walk alone

When we moved to our home 12 years ago,
I hung this portrait of Christ right by the
front door so that all who enter will know
that we worship our Savior and look
to Him for strength and direction.

I know that it is my Savior that is walking with me.  He walks with my children.  He walks with my friends.  Learning to let Him walk with me is probably the single most important lesson I have ever experienced, and an area in which I can always use improvement.

 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him. Psalm 28:7

Jackie sang in her final choir concert at Clark College a few nights ago.  Along with her chorale, the women's choral ensemble also performed.  Their second to last song was titled "Roots Before Branches" - and I was touched by the chorus:
I gotta have roots before branches
to know who I am 
before I know who I wanna be.
The words caught my attention because, prior to singing, an older woman stepped forward and explained that she was recently divorced and her youngest child had just graduated from high school. She said that Clark College had helped her develop roots so that she could now branch out into her new life.  My heart was touched as I thought of her life being uprooted and having to start over again.
The wind can come and do its best
blow me north and south, east and west;
but I'll still be standing here.
I'll stand if I have roots before branches.

The Lord is my Shepherd.
This is the image I want in my mind
during Natalie's surgery on Monday.

As they sang I thought of my roots - my family,  my faith,  my friends.  Those things that give me strength in the wind.  There is a strong, straight, central root from which other roots may grow - for me this root is knowledge... knowledge that I am a Daughter of God.  This is the knowledge that gives me hope to never walk alone.  This knowledge gives me hope for the golden sky.  Knowing my divine heritage tells me that I can hold my head up high as I walk through the storms of life.
I know who I am, and I know who "I wanna be".  I am a daughter of God and I when I am reunited with Him, I want him to be pleased with all that I have tried to do and tried to become.
 Hooray - as I sat typing, I received a text from my friend.  There has been concern that her husband's cancer had returned and, as of this morning, it looks as though it has not.  Hooray for another cancer battle being won!  I knew about their appointment and I think it was her storm that I was feeling this morning.  Hooray for all things wonderful and Hooray for divine help when things appear more grim!!

Choices, Children and Chocolate

Ok, there is nothing here about chocolate - but Natalie entered the room as I was about to hit "Publish" and thought that it made a nice-sounding title.  Maybe I will go find some chocolate...

OMSI has an exhibit on aging with a lot of interesting facts.  I blame aging for the fact that I have to take photos of interesting facts to be able to remember them later... anyway, when I saw the statement about environment determining our longevity and health, I began to think about choices and consequences.  Before sitting down at my computer I fixed myself a snack of sliced apples and goat cheese.  I made the choice to put my bowl in the microwave for 20 seconds and the consequence was that the apples were slightly warm and the goat cheese was slightly melted.  Delicious!  

During my short O.R. nursing career, I often worked the 10-6 shift.  This meant that I gave morning and lunch breaks, and didn't take a room of my own until 3:00.  I was able to see new patients every 10 to 30 minutes and I always knew that I would need to look consult my schedule to determine the patient's age.  A 40 year-old person could easily be taken for a 60 yr-old, and the opposite was also true.  Their lives, and the choices made during those lives, made such a difference.  Those who looked younger than their age tended to be much more friendly, and less likely to be undergoing surgery for something brought about by their own choices.  I was in my twenties at the time, and decided that I would try to make wise health choices.  More importantly, I needed to choose to be happy, with all that such a choice would entail --- these are mostly little things.

Last week I made a simple choice that helped us be happy.  I had the three younger children at Lewisville Park to play tennis.  Eventually only Natalie and I remained on the court while David and Kimberly wandered.  When we were done with tennis, Natalie went to sit in the car while I found the others.  They were nearby, playing on those old swings which are so much more fun than new ones (due to having nice, long chains).  At this point I made my choice... go get Natalie and play on the swing set with children before going home.  It was a fun time to play and laugh together.  The next night Mark and David were out of town.  Natalie texted me from drivers ed that she hoped dinner was ready because she was so hungry.  Well, with just the girls home I knew dinner would be simple.  It was time to get Natalie and we made a choice... we threw together some sandwiches, picked her up and went back to the park to swing.  Another fun evening of being silly on the swings.  We took ridiculous selfie photos... probably not the best choice, but fun for memories.  Obviously we cannot go and play at the park every night, but I truly believe that we could (and should) play together more often.  

Swinging at Lewisville - like cuddling a baby...

With my third child graduating and leaving home--- my time is running out to make as many good family memories as we can.  

Why do people do these?

Kimberly and Natalie
photobombing my selfie

Nedra has been my friend for almost twenty years.  She had her 7th child the month before I had my first.  We met when they were both three.  She used to tell me that if she could do it all again, she would spend a lot more time sitting and cuddling her babies, rather than worrying so much about having a perfect house, etc.  I respected her experience and made the choice to follow her advice.  Playing on swings with my teenagers is like cuddling them as babies.  (Well, I still cuddle them when they let me!)  I am thinking that the choices we make in regard to how we spend our time are going to be the most critical.

Natalie's brain surgery is scheduled to occur in just five more days.  Up until two days ago I was aware of being able to begin to think about surgery, and instead make the choice to think about other things and be productive.  If I started to feel the weight of the situation I would reflect on the lessons of Trust learned during Jackie's surgery and the brain surgery just melted from my mind.  It was like sunshine entered, swept away fear and I went about my day.  It felt great to be able to think and accomplish a few things.  I remember that as Jackie received her clean bill of health regarding her MRI I knew I had a month of no worries.  Two days ago my month ended - or so it seems.  The weight of the upcoming surgery is being felt... but this is ok.  I still have a choice to make.  This time my choices seem to range from:  think about it and curl up in fetal position on the couch... to think about it, talk about it, and still just keep life as simple as I can so that we can all smile.  I choose to smile.  I certainly feel the burden on my shoulders and somewhere in my gut, but my heart and my spirit are happy.

I think Jackie broke the rules.
It doesn't look like
she is swinging???

Here are a few things that we have learned about Natalie's surgery.  When we arrive at the hospital they will admit her and take her for an MRI that will determine the exact parameters for her tumor.  From there she will go to surgery and then to the PICU for the night.  We should be able to return home after just two or three nights.  She will have another MRI the day after surgery.  A year ago she had never had an MRI - I believe that this one makes #8 for her.  Natalie's recovery will be a bit more complicated than we had been led to believe.  Apparently our surgeon was really referring to few limitations due to pain, but there are still plenty of limitations on activity levels.  We had to cancel her week-long high adventure camp in July.  That has been one of the saddest things yet.  After a couple weeks she will be able to participate in activities as her energy level dictates, as long as there is no risk of falling or river/lake water involved.  Hiking is approved... as long as it doesn't involve going uphill....that might be tricky.

Natalie worked overtime
trying to make horrendous
faces - she said I needed
to add them to my blog and
say this is what a brain
tumor does to a person...

Anyway - I asked Natalie today if she was thankful that she has a brain tumor.  She said yes - so I asked her why... I will try to remember as much of her answer as I can, "I am thankful because I like the feeling of going to sleep during surgery.  I like getting candy, chocolate, flowers, notes, attention, blankets, getting to watch movies, sleeping, etc (that was a long list of indulgences).  I am glad that I get to have an experience not too many people get to have.  I am glad that I will have things to say when I am a motivational speaker.  I am glad that I can write a book when I am old and have things to say."
I told her that I was glad because it would make her a stronger person.  "What?  It makes you stronger person? or me?"
Hmmm, yes, it does make me a stronger person... but I am mostly grateful that it would make my daughter be a stronger person.  I forgot that it makes me stronger also --I forgot to be thankful for that.  If I am stronger... stronger for what?  ugh.
Alright, not really "ugh" - I will learn to be grateful for whatever else is in store.
Here is a story I found a couple weeks ago - funny that it is about a coffee bean.  I cannot even stand to go down the grocery aisle with coffee beans because of the smell.  A childhood incident makes the smell incredibly repugnant to me... but it is a nice little story.

Note:  Natalie just walked in the room and said, "Not that picture Mom!  It is horrendous!"  Interesting that we both used the same adjective.. it is incredibly accurate.  Why do such pretty girls like to take such silly photos?

The carrot, the egg, and the coffee bean

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.

It seemed that, as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," the young woman replied. The mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened! The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" the mother asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong but, with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit but, after a death, a breakup, or a financial hardship, does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?